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Yeah, That’s Not An Apology

assholesorryGiven the news cycle this week, I thought it would be appropriate to have a little primer on Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. GINR is full of those weak-ass apologies that upon closer inspection don’t really convey “sorry” at all. If you’re a chump, you’ve probably put a lot of stock in weak-ass apologies. Maybe you even begged for a weak-ass apology, got one, and inferred great depths of humanity from it.

Today I’m going to give you a primer for decoding bullshit apologies, courtesy of the Universal Bullshit Translator. If you see any of these mindfucks in play, you don’t have a real apology — you have bullshit.

1.) This Isn’t The Real Me. Don’t be fooled. Uh yeah. Yes it is. Con artists love to disavow their true shitty selves. They know you love the hologram, so they’re going to insist that the hologram is really them. Did I cheat on you? Well kinda sorta, but that wasn’t the REAL me! The real me loved you all along! In fact, I only cheated because I have such a deep fear of intimacy that I can’t really face how very deeply I love you. And I have toxic shame about that, so you’re going to need to do some bolstering here. Because the Real Me is someone who could never hurt you! Lying to you was a kindness, because I respect you so much! And who would you rather believe in? Some hurtful, lying asshole, or a person who LOVES you?

Shitty people do shitty things. That is who they ARE. It’s not a midlife crisis/affair fog/optical illusion — it’s a choice made with agency. Pickled in deep entitlement. You want to convince me that’s not the real you? Don’t be sorry — be different.

2.) It’s All About Me. The biggest giveaway with bullshit apologies is that the “sorry” is about them — how they suffer. How this hurts them too. Hurts them more, really. How no one really understands their intrinsic self and how tragic that is. What a journey that selfhood has been, and really this Terrible, Unmentionable Thing they may have done was really all for the best! Because it has led to such personal growth!

Unmentioned? The people who were hurt. You’re just bit players in the narcissist’s epic narrative of selfhood.

3.) You have faults too! Crap apologies are full of false equivalencies and straw man arguments. Well, I never said I was perfect. Uh, perfect wasn’t the standard here — basic decency was. Well, you’re not perfect either. In fact, the way you make coffee is positively criminal. That’s your cue to defend your position on flavored coffees. PUMPKIN SPICE IS A  VALID COFFEE FLAVOR AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE! Pumpkin spice is not a crime equivalent to betrayal. Getting you to go there and defend yourself and admit you have faults and aren’t perfect positions you nicely into the corner of We Both Brought Issues to the Marriage That Made Me Cheat.

4.) Pay no attention to me — SQUIRREL! Wackadoodles like to create drama that diverts attention from discovery of their malfeasance. Caught them cheating? Look for the Hail Mary play of suspected pregnancy, threatened job loss, or I’m Going to Flunk This Important Exam And It’s All Your Fault For Bringing Your Pain To My Attention.

The con is trying to ratchet your anxiety and concern and direct it elsewhere.

5.) Minimization. Bullshit apologies are full of euphemisms and Orwellian spin. It wasn’t a decade of seeing hookers, it was an “indiscretion” (singular). It wasn’t a sustained, active double life, it was a “mistake” (singular). What’s not minimized, however, is your reaction. Too bad you can’t be the bigger person and forgive me for this trifle. God, you’re really overreacting. If you took offense (at this singular, trifling, irrelevant mistake), then I’m sorry (that you’re so unperceptive). 

Got a bullshit apology? Go no contact and trust that they suck. You’ve got better things to do than stick your head in the mindfuck blender.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I think all the election talk is particularly difficult for chumps, even those who are long divorced.
      It brings back so many nightmares about gaslighting, lying and mean, nasty behavior.
      The candidate is irrelevant. It is all the constant chatter and commentary that is bringing back the nightmares.
      The cheater looking at a white object and seriously saying it is black, even under oath, over and over again.
      It disheartens me – what happened to integrity and honesty?

      • Okay I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. When people start attacking Hillary Clinton for abusing the women Bill had affairs with I make the same comment. If you are not a betrayed spouse or victim of a serial cheater you have no right to comment on her behavior. As a betrayed spouse I can, because she reacted the same way anyone who has been cheated on and lied to. If you were backed in the same corner with the same trickle truth she probably was you would come out swinging too. Her life as she knew it was threatened. So until you have been cheated on and unless your marriage is squeaky clean, STFU.

        • I completely agree. I can attest to the fact I blamed the other woman in addition to my husband. Why? Because she KNEW he was married and did it anyway. I am sure she was told all sorts of stories about how mean I was blah blah blah but I didn’t care. She knew and did it anyway. Did I speak badly about her? Yup. Do I still if it comes up? Yup. I definitely have shifted the majority of the blame to exH since then but she was not some innocent person in the story so no I will not defend her.
          When Guiliani called HRC stupid for not knowing for Bill was doing, I damn near lost my shit. I find it so difficult to watch as people who claim they love family and values promote Trump and revere in his cheating. It makes me sick to my stomach. I watched last night’s debate and called out items 1-5 on the above list as Trump was doing them. So proud of what I have learned from Chumplady and Chumpnation

          • Trump is vile, but has it occurred to you that Hillary is gay or bi and married Bill for power? And he married her to help him obtain power? She’s never struck me as a traumatized chump. Her denigration of a 12 year old female rape victim – and other women assaulted against their will by her husband – is ghoulish.

            • Here we go….I think maybe this is why Chumplady doesn’t want politics and election shit to infect the column.

            • This doesn’t belong here, Janus.

              We can all agree that both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have been unfaithful. The record is crystal clear on both of them.

              Maligning a chump is not something we can all agree on. So, let’s just state that Hillary Clinton was the victim of infidelity and leave it there. The ways some of us sympathize with her and some of us don’t extend beyond the experience of infidelity to politics and just are not part of what this space is intended for.

              • I’ve gone through dozens of comments so far and they are all political. But mine is the one targeted as not belonging here? Last I checked, the theme isn’t, “Stay with a cheater to gain a life.” Shutting down speech that isn’t simply an echo chamber is such a bizarre concept to me.

              • My last comment on this will be that I am NOT concerned with Hillary’s treatment of any woman who had a consensual affair with Bill. Those women belong under the same karma bus with a certain UK ho who was using my suitcases. What I don’t condone is denigrating victims of rape or assault by Bill.

            • Chuckling on tape about the injustice of lie detector testing and the way the judge treated her differently as a woman is not equivalent to denigrating a victim.

              https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/05/19/did-clinton-laugh-about-a-rapists-light-sentence-and-attack-sexual-harassment-victims/

              I hope her marriage is all-for-show at this point. She certainly behaved like a chump, but I’d like to think she wisened up quickly.

              • I am struck by how much of a mimic Hill can be. Her Bill impression is spot on, and in this audio, she sounds straight out of Arkansas. Dang, as if I could love her any more.

              • Shechump, no, I wasn’t referring to Anita Hill. I was calling Hillary Clinton “Hill.” I am like fan-boy style calling her by a nickname. She stood up to the short-fingered orange vulgarian and told Assad & Putin to suck a dick. Meanwhile, Trump wishes Putin would let him be a Yanukovych. We don’t lock up or kill the losers here.

              • Ian – ‘Meanwhile, Trump wishes Putin would let him be a Yanukovych. We don’t lock up or kill the losers here.’

                Ok, you are majorly cracking me up, Ian!
                So, she’s The Hill now. Got it.

                However, don’t let any of us forget what Clarence Thomas did to Anita Hill……yanno, as a side point. 😉

              • And, of course, lest us forget the French Foreign’ diplomat, ‘Strauss-Kahn’.

                Just UGH.

                That was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard of these locker-room talks.

                SO SORRY! Totally NOT bringing up politics in this thread!!
                Bowing – forgiveness.

            • I find it offensive that you speculate she must be gay or bi if her husband cheated on her. This implies he was justified in cheating “since she wasn’t interested in men.” Not only is there no historical evidence to back up this innuendo, but it is insulting to chumps.

            • Not like a traumatized chump? “admitted the Lewinsky affair to her. That did not happen until Aug. 15, 1998, according to her memoir:

              “He told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious than he had previously acknowledged. He now realized he would have to testify that there had been an inappropriate intimacy….. I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Up until now I only thought that he’d been foolish for paying attention to the young woman and was convinced that he was being railroaded. I couldn’t believe he would do anything to endanger our marriage and our family. I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I’d believed him at all.””

            • Get your facts straight. She NEVER “denigrated a twelve year old rape victim.” She was a public defender, who had al legal responsibility to represent her client. She pled him guilty, the case never went to trial ,and she never said anything at all about it being the victim’s fault. There is a big, big difference in a lawyer doing her job than a man openly bragging about sexually assaulting numerous women. I don’t give a damn whether or not you like Hillary, but please spare me the venom directed to a female lawyer doing her job. As a mother of daughters, I am amazed that any woman can utilize Trump’s Pee Wee Herman defense, “I know you are, but what am I?” Talk about victim blaming!

        • I completely agree. There was a woman in my area who was called “bitter” after her husband left her for other woman. And i told people who badmouthing her, of course she is bitter, what would you expect? Her husband left her and now people defending and accepting the new couple , i would have been bitter too in her position.

        • Amen. One commentator suggested Hilary apologize to them. Made me sick to my stomach.
          Unless you have been through it you cannot understand.

    • Amen. One commentator suggested Hilary apologize to them. Made me sick to my stomach.
      Unless you have been through it you cannot understand.

    • My soon to be ex, apology was I’m sorry, followed with a “but” I wasn’t doing this or that…your right I was running our children here and there, keeping our home, cooking, being the involved parent that we had decided we wanted for our kids. He worked, I did everything else. Gave him the freedom to “fall in love” with the woman of his dreams, meet at parks, hotels, napa while I ran kids to little league games, and their all stargames….then tells kids he had to leave he couldn’t make mommy happy anymore….

  • My cheater told me after the 3rd dday – “I know myself and I would of never, never done all those things if I would of loved you the way I was supposed to.”

    • What an asshole. If he didn’t love you the way he was supposed to, then why the heck did he propose to you, put a ring on it, and marry you, make vows? If you don’t truly love someone, then you don’t marry them. And he should have freed you up to be with a man who truly loved you, cherished you and valued you as the worthy person that you are. I hate it when unworthy men end up with great women. Go figure.

        • LOL, I’m so sorry about that Surechumpedalot. I wasn’t able to guess from your post you were a guy. My statement would still apply and reverse genders when reading my post.

          • Hahahaha Kelia, you are too cute. You are correct, your statement would still apply regardless of gender. No apology needed from you!

            I guess her words was a mix of a subtle blameshift with a dash of a covert-style apology. Of course her actions the years prior didn’t coincide with her statement, hence re-writing history.

    • I believe Surechumpedalot is a male speaking about his cheating whore wife… I wonder if you should change your name to SirChumpedAlot?

      • I read it like Sir for a few weeks – with the camelot reference. Sure fits nicely as in – I have sure been chumped a lot. Maybe her confession highlights that no matter how sorry is said there is no explanation that offers reasons for their actions you can actually live with.

        • You are so right neverwouldhaveimagined. I originally did use the moniker “Sirchumpedalot” with the idea of a somewhat double entendre.

          I agree with Kellia’s comments below as “Sir” sounds classy with integrity, but I changed it from “Sir” to “Sure” because “Sir” gave me a weird vibe of being above others or a position of authority. We are all equals here and it was important to me to convey that to all my chump friends.

          • SureChumped – ‘I changed it from “Sir” to “Sure” because “Sir” gave me a weird vibe of being above others or a position of authority. We are all equals here and it was important to me to convey that to all my chump friends.’

            How sweet, Sure.
            It’s interesting how folks pick their names. Since there is no way to identify genders here, I thought by indicating I was female, I decided to put that in my name. It’s really hard to distinguish males from female on many posts.

            • Agreed Shechump, but how the horror stories are so alike.

              The cheater handbook colors are blue and pink.

      • I like the name “SirChumpedAlot”. It does fit nicely! Meaning despite being chumped, the person is still remaining classy and with integrity.

      • Love it Peaky!! “cheating whore wife”. So true! This “cheating whore wife” is an unadulterated family fucker and friends fucker (plural). My life has immediately improved after realizing I had agency all along.

        She never sincerely apologized, nor will she ever. In retrospect, she has ALWAYS been like that.

        She hasn’t even apologized to me or my 3 kids for this past year of her debaucherous behaviors (constantly driving kids drunk, parental alienation, fucking my kids baseball coach and emotional abuse to kids by saying “I hate you” or “I wish you would run away”. I shut her shit-show down hard! Some weeks back and I was awarded temp full custody. I’m going after permanent full custody. Still from her….crickets….no apologies.

        This is one hardened disordered soul. All she is to me now is my “cheating whore EX-wife”

        • Sure, I just got a flashback from a married whore that made me sick for her husband. He was honest and hard working. He did so much for her pleasure. She cheated on him constantly. Once, she tried to use me to let her go have a good time at the group horse back ride. I realized what was happening and loaded the horses, moved horses out of my way and cranked my truck to leave. I told her to either come back with me now or find a ride home. After that, she got caught with her horse showing guy. Creepy!

        • SCA – isn’t that a great day… when the X is reduced to who they really are in our minds? Mr. Sparkles was left speechless when I called him a pathological lying bi-sexual whore… and really, what is there to say after that. The truth is the truth.

          Good luck with getting full custody. “One sane parent” is my daily mantra.

          • Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!

            For all the chumps in the midst of taking your unwanted excruciating long walks through the short piers of hell, remember what ICanSeeThemehComing! said above….”isn’t that a great day… when the X is reduced to who they really are in our minds?”

            Keep walking! Don’t stop! EVERY CHUMP will get there if you keep walking. Some before others but ALL will get there. And please remember that most of us “got there” without an apology. You just have to *believe*, *feel* and *live* the truth – make the truth clear and bright in your mind, heart and soul.

            AaaahhhhMeh.n

            • Yes. It hurts sometimes to know that so many other people still view him as “a great guy” but there is some relief in finally acknowledging to myself what a complete shit he is. Helps one move on. I am so glad your kids have you … and visa versa!

              • Awww Dixie, thank you for your kindness. You ex is not only a shit, but an oblivious shit because he was overshadowing your loving and kind nature with his limerence for another wo/man.

                So many people thought that Tom Jones was also “a great guy”. In the end, the disordered true colors will always bleed, always. Unfortunately not everyone has the keen eye to notice.

        • What a piece of crap she is SureChumpedAlot! Isn’t that sad that we think so highly of people and don’t even realize what they are capable of? I don’t think until you’ve experienced it, can one really understand how fuc-ked up people truly are! These people are never sorry, and will never apologize! That would mean admitting who they really are! Glad you’re rid of the trash…. and on your way to MEH!

    • It’s easy for us to forget and assume the most common arrangement of genders of chumps and cheaters because the correlation is so strong, but it’s equally important that we don’t assume. This is a good reminder.

  • “I wont apologize for falling in love” – how is that for a non-apology? and I didn’t throw him out because I was a unicorn.

    Other favorites were (after describing my pain in excruciating detail) he said “If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well” – apparently me not doing well with soul crushing pain in yet another fault to add to the list.

    In his most tender wreckonciliation moment I got “I shouldnt have done this to the mother of my children” (he failed to mention that “this” was a lifetime of betrayal.) I think I walked away from those encounters and went to go smoke more hopium.

    • “Other favorites were (after describing my pain in excruciating detail) he said “If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well”.

      I can’t believe your EX even entertained this thought. I don’t think anyone on this planet would do well if their child dies. In fact, some parents never recover from it and are eternally devastated. But why would anyone say that to the mother of their children? The intent must have been to hurt you in some way, otherwise, this isn’t a normal statement.

      I’m sorry but your Ex is mentally off to say such a thing and there’s something seriously mentally wrong with him. I’m sorry he got to be your husband. Men like this don’t deserve to get married or have kids, they’re just mentally fucked up.

      • He used to hide from confrontation by putting himself amongst the kids where he knew I wouldn’t say anything that would hurt/scandalize the kids… That was a rare day when they were all out of the house and I confronted him about his reprehensible behavior. There was no one to hide behind and that was his best retort.

        There is an extra layer of bizarre in that my job is caring for dying children, so it’s not a theoretical thing to me, it’s very real. The first day I returned after my one day off after DDay, I got odd looks from people as I entered the building, i wondered if perhaps they could see the pain on my face, but no…their pity came because they knew I had 3 cases to work that day. 3 dead children to care for on a day when my very soul was broken in many pieces. God Himself kept me together that day with some version of Divine Duct Tape.

        I believe that in the years subsequent to them, my late spouse was confronted with the reality that I am a decent, good loving person and he betrayed me and could never undo his dastardly deeds. I think it contributed to his early death. I am Catholic and believe in Purgatory and I trust that God and he had a long discussion about this where God used the correct balance of accountability and mercy.

        • I also believe in atoning for one’s sins. Most of us chumps (even if we have new lives) who are God-fearing know deep down that that day will come for cheaters… You can cheat everyone else, but no one can cheat death or consequences for eternity!

      • My youngest kid was diagnosed with cancer a month after ex confessed he had been unfaithful for 8yrs. At one point in the early days of anguish and sleep deprivation I slapped my ex husband, he reported this as an assault to hospital security, when he and I were spoken to together by hospital staff in charge of our daughters care, he totally disregarded my brokenness over D’day or the stress of our daughters illness and expected me to put his concerns first. When that didn’t happen and I raised my voice in the meeting through utter distress over his lack of recognition of the situation he flailed his arms in the air and stated. “See this is just more of the abuse I have received from her over the past 20 yr’s.” When the two staff members refused to side with him he got up and stormed out. Stupidly a few hours later I apologised on the desperate hope of seeing some glimpse of the hologram I had lived with but it was gone. I don’t apologise for shit I didn’t cause anymore and to this day I still have not seen an apology or a shred of remorse from my ex for what he did.

    • He’s also mentally off for implying that he would be fine with and and that would make him superior. That’s chilling.

      • I’m all the years since he said that, it never occurred to me that he was simultaneously (by his criticism) inferring that he would be fine if one of our kids died. I’m the moment it was probs the only thing he could think of that he knew I would consider “worse” so he threw it at me. How bizarre that never occurred to me

        • It’s one of those things that is more likely to come up when you are on the outside looking in, I think. Also, I am pretty jaded (which I don’t apologize for anymore.)

        • My X swore on his kids life’s that he was not cheating on me. Well that didn’t seem to bother him, because he was and continued to do so many years after.

        • I didn’t think of it either…for exactly the reason they intend: deflect deflect deflect. The comment was beyond loaded because of your work. Forget about the pain he inflicted on your children or that he came up with such a psycho twisted comment to begin with. Let’s see how many ways I can get her off track and into self doubt, the nastier more damaging and ludicrous the better.

          • “Let’s see how many ways I can get her off track and into self doubt, the nastier more damaging and ludicrous the better.”

            Unfortunately I think he did exactly that. He would say anything necessary to throw me off balance no matter how untrue, cruel, selfish, manipulative or devious it was. I once asked him if we could set a minimum level of decency that I could count on that he would maintain and he said “no”.

    • Oh, I just really hate your Ex. Is it okay I’m glad he’s gone? It is so horrible that he said those words to you. I am so thankful you are here even though I can never know the exact pain discovery after they’re gone brings. Your story reminds me that getting out is the right decision even though it hurts because the alternative is a lifetime of betrayal. They don’t change. I’m so glad you have this opportunity now to enjoy this cheater-free season in your life.

        • Yes, he is my “late” husband and our culture shares a groupthink assumption that deceased spouses must have been wonderful people. I probably come off as a cold shrew to people who don’t know me when I make references to his death and seem unaffected. In reality, I grieved deeply for years while he was alive.

          • “If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well” – apparently me not doing well with soul crushing pain in yet another fault to add to the list.
            And this whole thread with other chumps interpretations has made my blood run cold. I think you guys are right about what this meant and it is simply terrifying. Sometimes I read stuff here and it is just too sickening to think these people walk among us, that we end up involved with them and we don’t know. Sorry but I found this just too upsetting. This is what I have found unbearable about the whole cheating thing with the traitor and the whore: the instrumentalisation of their child and his children.
            Everyone, even their own children, are just pawns.
            Under the surface, even if they haven’t actually done anything to the kids in some cases, they COULD and that’s enough to damn them IMO.
            The whore is a geriatric nurse. I taped a phone call between her and the traitor where she accused her own 95 year old grandmother, who had broken her hip bone 6 months earlier, broken a bone in her foot 2 months before, had a fall and hurt her back a week earlier and was complaining a lot about pain, of “putting it on” because when she had visitors she cheered up and stopped moaning about her pains!!! Seriously! That tramp is a ghoul pure and simple, and I don’t even like the grandma myself but come on!

            • Sorry, posted before I was finished ranting. They can turn anyone into a tool or a toy for whatever they want to do, and target the weakest, young or old. Predators.

  • Boom, CL.

    The one that has come up a lot for me is, “If I did anything that made you feel that way, then I am sorry you have to feel that way, that was not my intention.”

    A) Uh, what?! Word salad much?
    B) Boiling it down, you’re apologizing to me for… My feelings?

    Whatever, Dude.

    • C. So what was your intention exactly? Keep me in the dark and stab me in the back while you eff strange? Gee thank you so much!

    • Me, too, Ami. Yours was a similar version of my XH’s platitude to friends: “I feel really bad that she’s hurt by all this.”

      Just ONE time, I wanted something in “active” voice, rather than “passive” voice: “that she WAS HURT…” Just once, I wanted him to say, “I’m sorry I HURT YOU.” — Never. It was always passive, as if he had his situation, and I had mine, and he watched from this sideline while this thing “happened” to me, not that he ever “did” anything to me. No responsibility.

      • That is particularly maddening, for sure. And it is good that we learn to spot it as part of the picker-fixing because it’s subtle until you get it, then it becomes an early warning system. Passive voice = word salad. 🙂

        • Passive voice= No accountability.
          The world is doing something TO YOU. To them.
          They have no control! Strange forces compelled them. They are a victim of circumstance.

          Active voice= Ownership.
          Direct blame and total control over the nightmare YOU created.

          I broke your heart.
          I lied to your face everyday.
          I fucked skanky tail.

          • Haha Sylvia! Skanky tail!! I love it and so true! They always go after the easy bait. And of course they have no class…
            Amiisfree, so maddening. They are SO LUCKY we don’t want to wind up in jail, don’t want to waste time on losers and have a conscience…

              • Yeah, I remember having a dream in which I was asking my exwife to hold on the 20 lb. anchor while we were both on a boat.

                #noonewasinsight

              • The x leaning over the Grand Canyon might be the optimal place for him, I’m rather clumsy at times and that would be a place where my clumsy could shine (insert slightly evil laugh).

          • I got ‘I ruined your faith in humanity” from the traitor. But he also said “I am not ashamed”. I think that says it all, he knows what he has done, owns it and he is fine with it.

      • I had to go back today to look at my notes from January. I had written down verbatim the conversations I had with Match Girl in the last week we were together. I had actually forgotten some of the crazy stuff she said to me. Wow. Progress.

        We were cuddling after I had thrown up all over myself when she finally admitted she had fucked Match Stick. She said, “it was a mistake.” Passive voice – that is and was the closest she will ever get to revealing any introspection. So glad she is not in my physical space fucking up my divorce.

    • Yeah, getting a sexual thrill from hurting others is confusing alrighty. Glad to hear from you. I was just wondering if all is well with you, Kar Marie.

      • Thank you. I got all the regular cheater bullshit non apologies. I didnt get im sorry i hurt you i was told that was implied. Sure dude whatever. Should be closing thank the stars just a few weeks praying all goes well to end the fucking madness. Then florida panhandle and no contact here i come!

    • “I have always been this way.” You mean you’ve always been an asshole? Well you hid it pretty well for a long time. How about now you go away? (Glad Matthew didn’t mess up you and your pups, kar marie.)

      • Yep ian hes always been an asshole. Yes indeed. Wore that mask well til he didnt. Real gem of a comment. I pretty much said just that yep asswipe you have always been an douchebag go on with your bad self plenty of leg spreaders waiting. Im history very soon. I cant change the past but i sure as hell go my eyes and ears working and the pod radar be cranking. Surechumped made me laugh like hell today and my male pup loved it. Hes really developing a taste for spewing coffee!

  • I got the general non apology of “I’m sorry you got hurt”
    Not sorry he hurt me or that he did anything just sorry about how I felt about the whole thing.
    And people wonder how I have the audacity to go No Contact.

    • Gee, Cheater, AllOutOfKibble and her pals here on CL are terribly sorry, but we just can’t hear you over the sound of how great it is that she isn’t in contact with you!

    • AOoK-

      Got the same as you “sorry you got hurt” but then the harlequin preceded to say – “I see it in your eyes, I see it in your face and I hear it in your voice but you have to be strong!.” Yup I wanted to ahow her my strength by shoving my size 12’s sideways up her ass.

  • Oh, ex-cheater loved number five. When was I going to get over this (you know, a few months into having my life flipped upside-down and learning that the person I thought I knew was a stranger)? To him, once he confessed, the whole sordid little episode should be over, and life should go back to normal. I’m so glad I didn’t stay with him. After what he did, he treated me like I was overreacting, and he continues to behave as though I’m the one who cheated and ripped our lives apart. I’m supposed to want to be his BFF and act as though his cheater partner is my new gal pal. Cheaters are a seriously messed-up, delusional subset of people. I hope ex-cheater pig and his pig partner are enjoying those qualities in each other!

    • Mine said that to me 2 weeks after finding out he was soliciting on Craigslist for 3ways, men and women for at least 2 years. “When are u going to get over this?” After 30 year marriage, my whole world was crashing down around me. He continued to act as if nothing was wrong. Refused to apologize. .saying” I want what I want.” We put the house up for sale and I moved out with our 2 youngest kids. Nine months later, he has a new source. Both actively posting their relationship on fb. I ask him..stop that it’s humiliating me..we aren’t even divorced yet and haven’t been to see a lawyer… he says..”you left me! You were the one who moved out!” (He refused to move out, at the time). Mind blown. Started the divorce and cannot wait to be rid of this asshole. When will the lies and this mindfuckery end??!

      • DL – I realize you won’t want to hear this… but get a blood test. Mr. Sparkles was doing the 3-way searches on CraigsList and AFF and sites I didn’t even know existed. He told our therapist that he wouldn’t where a condom to “regain my trust” because he never cheated. Guess you know our marriage became sexless from that moment on.

        Hang in there – doubt you’ve heard the last of him. Hope you hired a kick-ass lawyer and the kids are doing ok.

        {{HUGS}}

        • Thanks. Immediately, I got tested for everything. I was extremely embarrassed. Before I went, I said to him..please, please tell me I have nothing to worry about. He stood there as cold as ice and said..you wouldn’t believe me anyway. Wow. Just wow. And that was it..after 30 years and raising 4 kids together. (I am fine btw.) My lawyer is very tough however we are in a no fault state so it doesn’t matter what he did. I will say to others, start the divorce ASAP because the longer you wait, the more arrogant he has become. He has his flying monkeys, supporters and gf to keep him from facing reality. He is the victim here. This whole ordeal makes me sick to my stomach. I am just thankful day to day that I have the ability to rebuild my life. I spent my youth catering to him, putting him through school and building a life together. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

          • Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join, Denise. He sounds like a huge jerk. I hope you are no longer living with him. You are welcome here. We get you. You got this.

      • Denise our XHs sound like evil twins. Exactly 2 weeks after I found out he was cheating with and leaving to be with our son’s music teacher, and just beginning to move from shock to anger, he demanded to know “when are you going to get over this?”. He suggested I see a therapist for my “unhelpful anger”. Shame he never saw one about his “unhelpful lust”.
        Same response with the STI enquiry too – Jabba wouldn’t answer but did the red puffer fish rage response, spitting out “how DARE you accuse my girlfriend of having a sexually transmitted disease”.
        I did however get one apology in a transient moment of guilt: “sorry I wasn’t a good husband”. Outweighed by many more accusations of being a cranky / unattractive wife that drove him into the arms of a bimbo whore.

    • I hate lame apology No. 5. Affairs require a great deal of deliberate choices and fabricated stories repeatedly over time. What exactly is an appropriate response to discovering lying and cheating from the one who pledged to live and protect you? Not to mention the actual act of infidelity. Is there an over-reaction to that? Cheaters LOVE to rug sweep.

  • I’ve never gotten an apology, so maybe that’s a good thing. Since my wife has never shown any interest in taking any responsibility for her actions, any apology would just fall into one of the categories above anyway.

    No, I got #3. Starting on d-day and ever since. The whole affair was something she was entitled to and was something that I deserved being the deficient spouse that I am. All I’ve heard is how I screwed up over the years, I wasn’t a good enough husband, I wasn’t spontaneous enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, she never got her way (side note: puh-eeze!), and I didn’t do enough to make her happy. I asked her for examples, and I got a laundry list of the most ridiculous excuses you will ever hear to justify destroying a family. And of course, each and every excuse had one common element – it was my fault.

    So no apologies for me – just a plate full of blame shifting.

    • I could have written your second paragraph word-for-word. My wife did give me an apology, though — an 8 sentence e-mail that basically said, “sorry, not sorry.” She sent it when she realized, “I never gave you the apology you deserve.” So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice…

          • Me three! She told my daughters, in front of me, that she married me for my potential. Obviously I was never good enough so it was my fault.

            • Married you for your “potential”?? Who the hell are these people? It’d be nice if they’d come up with this shit before we married them, instead of leading us to believe they’ll be honest and faithful partners. Then at least we’d have some sort of warning. But that would make life too easy I guess.

              • Everything, everything these lying-ass bitches say after they stick another man’s cock in their gaping pussy is a fucking lie. Don’t believe anything out of there disease-ridden cock-sucking mouths. Every time she opens that cock-hole on her face, just imagine a big load of his spoo sliding out of the corner of her mouth. What a bunch of cunts. I can’t wait until they get cheated on or cheat on the OM. Maybe he won’t be as restrained as I was, and he will actually kill her. Bitch.

    • Ugh, this is exactly what I got. 1st he was a sex addict and that’s not his fault. Then within a week, he wasn’t a sex-addict, it was actually because he was unhappy. I got a long list of why affairs were my fault. He continues to add to this list. Then as the other affairs, 20+ years worth starting at pre-engagement dating, rolled in, the list of my faults just continued to grow and his only responsibility- “I have a high sex drive.”

      And I’ve shared before that the affairs during both pregnancies “didn’t count” due to me being unattractive and “overweight” and his fear of fatherhood. I was outraged over those affairs more than others due to the health concern for the babies. (BTW, I only have weighed between 105-115 not pregnant at 5’5″ and was a normal pregnant weight and worked out up until days of labor.)

      • betraying you when you were pregnant “didnt count” now that is a pile of shit with flies circling around it

      • Ah yes, his “fear of fatherhood” made him do it. I still get this one sometimes. They can convince themselves of anything.

        Contracting an unknown venereal disease while pregnant can be fatal or severely disabling to the child. It happens, and it’s not rare. Unbelievable.

    • Me either! It is amazing how wonderful they think they are. You know, i’m sure we could all come up with a rather long list of reasons we could have cheated. We didn’t. Instead we were busy trying to be the better person!

      • Does more hair on his back than his head count as a reason? I swear I think he’s going bald from all the preening he did looking at himself in the mirror and fixing his hair!

        Or maybe sucking snot up his nose instead of using a tissue?

        Then there’s the picking his toes and flicking God knows what on the floor.

        Funny, when I was in love – none of that mattered.

        But Cheating, yeah… that matters.

        • That gross stuff didn’t happen until I did the pick-me dance. He admitted later that some cruel things he said were to get rid of me because I was hanging on (which to me is intentional cruelty). I have not shared that phrase with him, and never told him that I noticed his physical gross actions … cutting his toenails with the kitchen scissors, picking his nose and … well, you know … picking his ear and … well, you know … (Babies put things in their mouth, don’t they) … burping out the side of his mouth in my direction … on and on. I’m saving it up. The therapist who met him called him “infantile” but I don’t know how much of it was an act. It could be that I just didn’t exist in his mind, so his gross acts were done, as far as he was concerned, in private. Either way, he’s one mighty screwed up guy.

    • Ditto Blindside.

      Our lying cheating wives are similar. Is yours an alcoholic thief too?

      After surely blaming me for her shitty behavior to anyone who will listen, she now does so with our kids.

    • Blindside – Mr. Sparkles through the “I didn’t think I could feel this way again” at me when telling me about the OW. Flash-forward two years… divorce is still on-going; their relationship is over (guess it wasn’t twu luv); but I’ll see them both in court for Adultery charge. Karma.

      Hang in there!

      • Yeah I got I never thought I’d feel this way again too. Well guess what! I knew I’d never feel that way again and I was content! Because I had a life partner and a home and a future filled with plans. And safety and security are what you get for giving up that feeling you selfish fucking ? That feeling isn’t love and a future. That feeling is excitement and uncertainty! That’s why you get the feeling. Because you don’t know what’s going to happen. OMG I hate STBX again!

    • I was a devoted husband, and I now know I was TOO devoted. So your description of how “apology #3” applied to you applied to me pretty closely as well. Here’s a clip that cracked me up and made me sad at the same time. Never be like this again to someone who cannot appreciate it:

      https://youtu.be/OlAObmM8I2s

  • Thank you for this post. I had 4 d days…..5 actually but he had an affair with one woman twice ( or always, she’s the AP he left for).
    In all those I got the “I’m really sorry but what about you?” or ” I’m really sorry but you know we aren’t right for eachother or my favorite ” I’m sorry, but this will never work because you can’t let shit go. If I’m going to constantly be accused of cheating I might as well cheat.”
    Uhhhh…..I think you were asshole.
    I no longer care that I never got genuine remorse, he’s not capable.

    • ‘But’ statements. They negate the clause infront of it, always. I try to avoid these with my kids. It’s passive aggressive BS.

      ‘Your teeth look great BUT did you brush them?’

      ‘You got a B+ on that super hard Physics BC test BUT you could have earned an A.’

      ‘Your look great BUT that green shirt is a little loud.’

  • “I’m sorry, but I think she’s my soul mate.”
    “I’m sorry, but you abandoned me sexually and emotionally and I was lonely.”
    “I’ve forgiven you for everything you’ve done to me (see abandonment above). Why can’t you forgive me?”
    “I’ve made mistakes, but I am still a good person. You’re just bitter.”
    “All of my mistresses wanted me to leave you for them, but I didn’t!”
    Etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally).

    • I HATE “I’m sorry, BUT, — fill in blank—” & I” sorry YOU are—fill in blank —”
      These are not apologies people! Even my kids get these BS fake apologies from Snarc and even as kids they say/know that is a fake apology.

    • And to add, I also was told, and was expected to be grateful, that yes he had all these affairs, but for all those years he came back and tried to give the marriage and me another chance. WTF?! I was pick-me- dancing for years without my knowledge apparently while he was sleeping with co-workers, gym buddies, strangers in hotels, clients, and other work contacts before we ever married!

      • Yeah, that “but I always came home to you” line is supposed to make it okay? My STBX came home because I did everything for him. I was a housekeeper, babysitter, personal assistant, and chef until I quit!

    • Gosh Louisvilleflower….“I’m sorry, but I think she’s my soul mate.” just gave me an uncontrollable desire to projectile puke after that one.

      I think what he meant by his words were “I’m sorry, but I think she’s my *sole* mate.” – That’s more like it!

      • I agree on both counts. More like cheating lying loser mates. Soul mates my ass again more like i finally found someone with bad character like me and is just like me and together we will fuck over the world.

  • I got, “I am sorry but you need to let go of your pride and work on our marriage. I may have cheated but you are the one who tore our family apart and ruined our kids lives.”

    It’s funny. He sings this song to the kids all while saying he is going to ruin me physically, emotionally, and financially and ensure I am homeless. If that’s not true remorse I don’t know what is.Especially since his ONE mistake includes 18 years of lies, infidelities, and abuse.

    He also offered me a post nup about 6 months in to the divorce that he had written basically outlining a very generous offer to…. himself if I take hm back. Then tells the kids, “I gave your mother a very generous offer and if she doesn’t take it, I will ruin her!”

    Can’t you just feel the sincerity? Not.

    • emy110-

      Gosh so sorry your cheater said…..“I am sorry but you need to let go of your pride and work on our marriage. I may have cheated but you are the one who tore our family apart and ruined our kids lives.”

      Just remember that cheaters are clearly unempathetic and oblivious to the emotional and psychological destruction that cheating has on a loving spouse and kids. IMO, their cheating is equivalent to a physical attack from a grizzly bear. It’s relentless, merciless and the victim is left bewildered and lying for dead. Make no mistake, your cheaters statement confirms that he is truly disordered.

  • I got the “It’s not you it’s me”. Well actually yes it’s you. I’m too perfect for you and you’re a dumbass so yeah it’s all on you.

    Still I had to ask for apologies because cheater didn’t even tell me in the first place.

    • Yes! I got this, too. Over and over. It’s not you it’s me is a non-apology because there’s no remorse, but it is true. It definitely was him, and he was sorry he got caught.

  • When I start smoking the hopium pipe, I remind myself of the reaction he would give if I tried to talk to him about any problems, either before or after his “mistake but a door opened and from then it was a slippery slope” … a.k.a. affair.

    It wasn’t a disrespectful eye roll I got from him, it was a hard-to-describe-in-print “pfft-pfft. Whaaaaaaaaa????” Two little quick side-to-side spits, and a long “What?” Then quick sighs, hunched shoulders, arms outstretched (think Kristen Wiig at the Oscars), like a “What gives here, lady? What are you accusing me of now?” He did that a lot.

    But I got an apology … he is sooooooo sorry that if he did actually say and do hurtful things, which he can’t believe he did, then he’s sorry, sooooooo sorry (in a fake, marble-mouthed low voice that is strangely reminiscent of his AP, who I have known for many years). Of course, now that he has proof that he’s been hurtful, he’s turned that into, “I hate myself for it and have to live with that pain every day”, while buried in the boobs of Twatface Ka-ching. Asshole!!!

    • A drama whore as well as a cheating man whore. Whew, that description is chilling. Glad you’re free of the disordered freak.

      • And my favourite, when he announces he is leaving for good: “Maybe I’ll die alone” as he looks wistfully out the window in the direction of her house.

          • I was plain stupid about that “lone wolf, I’ll never get married again” routine. He played it so well I was completely unaware he was living with his fiancé by the time we got to the divorce proceedings. Had I known, I would never have let myself be so beaten down. It would have forced me into some dignity, obliterated any delusion about getting back together…ever for any reason. I knew we wouldn’t but thinking he was as lonely as I was let me romanticize way too much. It’s been impossible to forgive myself because of the ramifications it had on my welfare. But I found out too late and only then by some highly improbable serendipity. I just wish it had come a year sooner.

            I also got “we both need to apologize”. It makes me puke to think I ever choked out a “sorry” just to have a decent night with the assbag. Whoring for some false affection from my cheating husband, what a love story.

            • You weren’t whoring by saying “Sorry” … you were being loving and wanting affection and hoping he’d see his mistake … that is not whoring, and it isn’t necessarily codependent, either. In hindsight it seems that way … but we were all just trying to be the best person we could be given the information we had at the time. We’re supposed to take care of each other … not beat each other down like he did with you. You held up your end of the bargain, so be proud of that.

              • Thank you for that. It makes me feel so much better to hear that stuff. I feel so bad about myself right now. Did I really kill the marriage? Did my lack of affection really break him and make him feel so bad about himself he went out for the whoremat just to feel a tiny bit good again? But he couldn’t tell me what he needed and I could give it to him without him saying. And I do feel like I was the best wife I could be with what I had available. It’s so sad and stressful because I can see where the marriage was weak BEFORE the whore and I wish more than anything I could have fixed that. But would it all have ended up the same anyway? I feel like a door mat too. All the things I did just for a little more love and I still didn’t get what I wanted. ?

              • Sad Shelby. Your post made me cry and I don’t cry much anymore.
                I asked myself those exact same questions.
                Over and over and over and over and over.
                I”d wake up thinking of them in the middle of the night having a pee.
                Every morning, I kept asking myself what I did wrong.

                Then I got a phone-therapist from SoCal (no offence) but I was so desperate.
                She told me I was 50% at fault for him ‘straying’ and I was devastated until I found myself a better Real Life therapist who got me on my feet and was local.

                I still identify issues and actually just did a horoscope analysis on us today – something I don’t really do!!
                But, He is Scorpion and I am Cancer and we are the signs that get along best.
                Maybe that’s why we lasted 36 yrs.
                She is a Capricorn (no offence, Cappy) but they are like fire and water.
                And, I just found out officially, she is sharing a beautiful home with him as her current address.

                Yeah. We had a beautiful home too. This one cost his twice as much as my little cottage on the beach, but I have twice the room. HA!

                It broke my heart to see it. I guess I went pain-shopping.
                Just glad I finally know where he lives and has been living for over a year. All Secret.

                Sorry to be off topic.
                I need a dog hug.

        • OMG! Me too! And “What if I leave and I spend so much time pining over you and crying for weeks and months and she gets tired of me?” You stupid MOTHERFUCKER! Literally she is a single fucking mother. BOO FUCKING HOO! I hope that I marry Zac Efron and he does die alone! DICK!

      • I love that one.. “I have to live with this pain everyday.”

        Once our eyes are open, it’s so easy to see the self-centered comments for what they are. Months ago, statements like that would have given me hope that there’s was something there to work with. So clueless.

  • Fucktard has said:

    “I’m sorry that you and the kids are having a difficult time adjusting to the changes. I really am.”
    “I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am.”
    “I wish I would have done things differently.” (not had his affair exposed)
    And that is it. After almost 30 years together, 24 years married…..that is it.

    I hope his dick falls off. I really do.

    • “What I did (singular!) was terrible and you’ve suffered, 5)3 kids suffered — I shouldn’t have left”. (W.T.F: oh you mean when I kicked you out for wanting to date gold-digger whore openly?)

      “I’m sorry, but you made me feel inadequate” (WTF–for 25 years of what I thought was a happy marriage?)

      “I’m sorry but you refused to listen to how unhappy I was” (WTF–I didn’t read your devious mind, didn’t realize you were a sociopath and instead went by your loving words, cards, all the fun times we spent together almost every day for 25 years!)

      “I’m sorry, but you ruined our marriage in how you’ve acted since I left to live with whore–you’re a horrible person for not saying what a terrific father I am!” (WTF– you abandoned our kids after blaming them for the affair and saying you hated being a father!).

      “I’m sorry you’re such an angry person and cannot get over this.” (WTF– just last month you cost me $25k in legal fees, and filed a bogus motion seeking to exclude our biggest CP asset!)

      I LITERALLY DESPISE HIM
      Etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally).

    • Calm,

      “I hope his dick falls off”. Me, too.

      If his dick fell off in the forest . . .

      No wait. If his dick fell off in Times Square, would anybody notice?

    • Calm, if his dick did fall off, you could offer some comfort to him,
      “I’m sorry your dick fell off, You will adjust to the changes.”
      “I bet it hurt when it fell off. I really am sorry (please keep your snickering to a minimum, you must appear compassionate).
      “I wish you would have done things differently, like stick that fallen, limp dick up your ass, that way it would not be exposed.”

    • I almost spit out my tea with the whole “I hope his dick falls off” comment, then Ian with the dick in tbe forest…. Lord, that was a good laugh,
      I too hope his dick falls off too.

  • I recall the occasion when I heard “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone”, I thought I could come up out of that basement and get a life back, it didn’t work (poor him). But look at you! You’ve lost weight, you have new clothes and you are getting out of the house!” “I helped you!”

    Right, losing 25 lbs in a month, looking like skeletor, forced to buy clothes that wouldn’t fall off me. Forced to get out of the house to get away from him. The above comments were from the second to last time he tried to convince me not to divorce him. The last time he brought a gun to the party and lots of accusations.

  • Let’s see, I got, we’re all animals. Biologically, we are supposed to spread our seed!
    I also got, (in a roundabout way) that I was cheating too. Hmmm. Nobody’s private parts ever touched mine! I’m always where I say I’m supposed to be and my guy friends are friends, so nope! try again!
    Keep me copacetic was another one, as if it’s all my fault
    You should have known I was like that… Hmmm, true, once you said you cheated on your XW, I should have run the other way, but silly me didn’t understand GINR and blameshifting back then… My giving you the benefit of the doubt of learning from past mistakes was a HUGE mistake.
    All my other friends are doing it too… (Everyone does it)
    Plus a few other comments that others have listed here. They have no remorse…

    • Right!? They draw incomplete parallels and if you explain how the parallels aren’t accurate because you were honest and up-front and didn’t include infidelity, you are then accused of not letting it go. Draw me in, then use my response to make me look crazy. A-holes.

    • Ugh. These are horrible. Everybody does not cheat. And we can choose monogamy because we are not animals. We are humans. (Some humans choose to lie and betray others. It’s a deliberate choice.)

      • Exactly, huge BS to try and minimize the asshole effect. I may have been too stupid in the beginning to see through some of the crap and lies, but REALLY? They really believe they are so wicked smart and that they are dealing with morons. Amazing the audacity

    • “Let’s see, I got, we’re all animals. Biologically, we are supposed to spread our seed!”

      Puleez! If this is how he sees himself, then why did he make a commitment to you? I mean if he sees himself as the wild animal that has to sleep around, then he should have stayed single for the rest of his life and had sex with anything that moved. There are plenty of people who will be happy to oblige and have un-committed sex. It’s not fair to you, who thought you were in a committed relationship by someone who was committing a fraud. Telling you they wanted monogamy, when they believed in the opposite.

  • After Dday & 17 years with stbx bring an a-hole of epic proportions, he gave me a letter which said he was sorry for anything that he MAY have said or done that hurt me. (This coming from the man that I caught at the hooker joint) He wrote he was thankful to me for our son & that if I stayed with him, he would always love me/us blah blah fuckity blah.

    So, as usual-he couldn’t accept blame for blowing up our marriage & family by his obsession with chasing rando pussy & would love me if I stayed with him being the good wife appliance (image management & not having to make support payments At its best)

    How could I pass up such a fine offer he wondered….
    No thanks mofo-my son & I have a great future ahead of us! Carpe Diem!

    And as for that BS wannabe apology letter? Since the paper was too tough for me to wipe my ass with, I used it as a cat box liner & let me precious cat shit all over it
    (The way he did to us & our life)

  • It goes beyond the betrayed spouse. They can’t apologize to those they hurt, either.

    My Daughter is now 23 and recently married. Right after bomb drop – and her father abandoning us all and moving in with OW – he sent her (at his girlfriends request) a “cease and desist from bothering me ” letter.. Yes, to his own children, because they did not agree with married OW. He wanted them to be “Happy he found someone to love.”

    2.5 years later, and both daughter’s complete compliance (ie – ignore and no invite to her wedding.) DARLING daddy – JUST sent her a birthday card. No birthday gift, no wedding gift ( he addressed it to her new married name).

    Only one sentence. “Happy Birthday. I have rescinded the cease and desist letter. Feel free to contact me at any time. Love, Dad.”

    This from a dad who looted the household of all liquid assets, stole jewelry and a car from the youngest…

    • That’s is crazy! Hope she stays strong and tells him to piss off! Sounds like he is facing the reality of a long lonely senior life. He deserves all of it!

    • Well, look who is judge and jury, overturning his prior ruling! I guess everyone should swoon at his magnanimity. Sheesh.

      • I can’t figure out WHAT it means or why he sent it. Really.

        To have an apology, you need at least two elements;
        1. Accept ownership of said hurtful actions.
        2. Empathy for the other person.

        He has neither. This shows neither. I’m confused again, my brain hurts….

    • That’s sick! Poor girls and at a time they were entering adulthood and marriage?! (And probably a little scared and scared from their “father’s” mental screw-job! Awful!

      Though I do find myself jealous of those of you w/ Ex’s who leave kids alone because mine is so damaging to my kids (teenagers) I feel that, though shitty, abandonment would actually be better than the sociopathic narc abuse he does to them also…. I wish CL would explore this (hint.) therapists and my wise elders seem to be split on the subject.

      • My daughters were SPOT ON 100x better than me about NC.

        I was the sad sack, “Mopey the Smurf” during all this. At BD- I TRIED to tell him that his actions would be seen poorly – gals had enough of him.

        He smugly replied; “I certainly don’t need the likes of you to help me with my children.”

        This was about a month before he left and refused to give the newly minted 18 year old any support, telling me via his attorney “She needs to get a job.” (for groceries..)

        • What is it with narc dads and banning their own kids? My Dad unfriended me on FaceBook, which was the bare minimum of contact he would “allow.” He had sent an email years earlier stating he was too busy “growing old in America” to be able to listen to my “drama.” (I was a single mother of three, the oldest WAS three, going to college full time and working full time. I was terrified of failure, and I had always been able to depend on him to “be there” for me before.)
          He then told me I had no business going to college, because that was only for people who were “self actualized.” I was so grateful when he was willing to be my friend on FaceBook, but I felt like I was too needy when I tagged him as my Dad. He never confirmed it. I didn’t even know I was unfriended until I tried to post that he was going to be a Grandad again.
          I tell my Mom over and over again, “this is who he really is.” Only recently have I been able to convince her to block him from seeing pictures of my babies. I have been no contact for over a year, and I’m still pissed.

    • Egads, his actions were terrible. You can’t do that and then “invite” your children back into your life later. No. That’s not how family works.

      • Somebody should have told him. To make it worse, this all happened in the 2 weeks between 18 year olds birthday, prom and graduation. HAD TO MAKE it all about him, don’t you know.

        She received ZERO help for medical, food or any support from him since the day he left – and he took the $8,500 insurance check for her car – it was in his name- when she had an accident.
        In fact, when he called, his first statement was “I hope nobody was hurt.” —
        NO EVEN “are you ok?” The cop at the scene had more “fatherly” concern for her. – he kept asking me if “she was going to be alright?”

        She cancelled her graduation open house, I did not blame her. Cad.

      • I know! And all for what, some vagina that he wanted to put it in. He sold out his own daughters. I’m glad Mag’s daughters are treating him like the piece of shit that he is.

    • Mag – Your daughters should send him a “cease and desist” letter, telling him to F- off. See how it feels to be utterly and sheerly rejected.

  • After the Bunny Boiler incident, STBX found himself in crisis and agreed he needed therapy. Up till this point he had refused to admit that the OW was an actual affair because we had been separated for a few months, even though before he moved out we had both agreed to stay true to the marriage while we figured things out. Also it’s hard to justify a secondary relationship with someone that a) you have to sneak around and lie about to your spouse and b) no one else can know about except your Switzerland BFF.

    After a couple of sessions with the therapist, STBX confronted me with this statement, “After talking with the therapist, I realize that this woman was a betrayal to you because you still see me as your husband and I didn’t do anything to make you think otherwise, so I’m, sorry.” A bit stunned I asked him, “did you come to this realization on your own or did the therapist have to point this out to you?” He asked me, “Does it really matter?” I responded, “The fact that you have to ask me that is all the answer I need.”

    I’ve come to the conclusion that I never really received a genuine apology from him. Most of the time, I never received one period, but on the occasions I guess he felt they were appropriate they always left me with such an empty feeling afterward. Now I understand that his apologies were always self-serving and that he is incapable of real regret.

    People seem to be shocked by Trump’s masochistic comments. The more shocking thing to me is that people can still be shocked by things he says and by his behavior.

  • Look for passive voice (the “sorry if you were offended,” which eliminates the offender from the discussion, from a description of the acts under discussion. Look for lots of 1st person (I, I, I, me, me, me) from any discussion of suffering or pain.

    • Yep, passive versus active voice. I heard LOTS of that, as well. Always, something “happened,” never “I DID…”

  • I got an endless array of non-apologies for the three years I stayed post D-Day #2.

    The most meaningful and honest thing he said, though, and the one I still hold closest to my heart to remind myself of my strength, is when he said, “I just never thought you’d do it,” after I left.

    There’s a picture of a cat nonchalantly walking away from an explosion he sent me at the same time, telling me I was the cat walking away from the mess I made of our lives together by leaving. I love that picture. It’s a silly meme but one of strength and seeing it makes me feel mighty.

    11 months later, I don’t need any sorries. All of his “you have trust issues” and “it was just a blow job” and “you need to get over it” are distant memories.

    • “The most meaningful and honest thing he said, though, and the one I still hold closest to my heart to remind myself of my strength, is when he said, “I just never thought you’d do it,” after I left.”

      Yes, your complaints and concerns were perceived as simply “nagging” in his mind. No real or serious discussions on your part. Sigh…

  • The “sorry” I received was a note on the chalkboard in the kitchen….”I’m soooooooooo sorry!”….right along with p/u milk, bread, etc. (eye roll)

    • ^^THIS^^ I got a chicken-scrawl note telling me how sorry he was that it wasn’t a “happy” anniversary right now… oh, and the girls (my stepkids) flight arrives at 9pm tonight.

      Dickhead.

  • The last thing I want is an apology anyway because for one thing, “sorry” is for when you accidentally step on someone’s foot or when you forget to grab your kids’ favorite kind of candy while grocery shopping. It’s not for absolving yourself of culpability and trying not to look so bad for fucking around, leading multiple lives and exposing you wife and unborn children to STDs because you’re not only entitled to as much pussy as possible, you’re entitled to it feeling as good as possible.

    I told my ex he better not ever attempt an apology ever again. Even if he follows the yellow brick road and finds himself a heart and a brain. I don’t want the fake ones he’s only capable of and I don’t want a real one, either. Fuck him and fuck his apologies. They’re worthless, they change nothing, they help nothing and I’m absolutely not accepting any of them just so he can feel like he’s making progress at a good friendship or trying to prove he’s “at least trying” to all the onlookers he’s surely trying to convince that he’s so remorseful boo hoo and tears for the man whore.

    Please. You won’t ever find me saying sorry when I cash those spousal support checks. You won’t find me saying sorry for telling everyone you know that you raw dog women left and right. Save your “sorry” for the next string of women you screw over.

    • You sound so strong! I wish I had this moxie! Thank you for being a fab example for meek me. Someday I want to feel just like this.

    • I agree that an apology just doesn’t feel like a suitable response to blowing up someone else’s life.

      “Sorry I forgot to pick up milk at the store.” Acceptable response.

      “Sorry my penis fell into that strange vagina.” Not so acceptable response.

      • I’m so glad someone gets it.

        I think too many people believe they can do anything because they’ve got their “I’m sorry” card in their back pockets to use for purposes of doing anything they want and getting away with it because, hey, they’re sorry, and you better be the “bigger person and take the high road” because they can’t change the past and they’re trying….. Blah, blah, fucking blah.

        Shit. You won’t find me apologizing for what I did, exposing him, ruining his love affairs, cleaning him out in court. Why? ‘Cause I ain’t sorry!

        • I didn’t take the high road either I guess because I just couldn’t give him praise about the fact that “in the 12 years of our marriage there were only 2 betrayals and there could have been many more.”

          Well, color me grateful you were able to restrain yourself and keep your cheating contained to only two female fuckwits in twelve years.

          • Haha! Color me grateful!

            I got this too, since the first Dday came after the primary affair was supposedly “over.” I was supposed to be his cheerleader and heap praise on him because he had actually broken it off, dontcha know.

            Somehow, he was actually a hero in all of this. No apology, no ownership. So of course he continued his lying and cheating! If I wasn’t going to shower him with gratitude after he ended an affair! Grief or shock on my part not allowed. Only praise and adulation.

            Sorry, only loss of respect and trust.

    • Not even kidding. I thought I was going to rip his entire face off when he said he was sorry. He even said he was glad he got caught because the fear of getting caught had been weighing on him and it was a relief in a way that I found out. Really, mother fucker? You’re telling me the ways this has worked out for you and why you feel better? That’s okay, though, because I fixed that in court.

      Nope, sorry won’t allowed here. I made him admit that he fucked up, fess up to each of his whores that he’d been lying to them and that there were plenty more and filed at-fault divorce. Sorry means nothing, asshole. What I want is your tail tucked between your legs while you confess everything and take several hundred seats in court while your misdeeds are exposed and the money you owe me is calculated.

      Let me hear another fake sorry that really means “please don’t tell anyone else”, “please don’t take this back to court”, “please cut me some slack”, “stop embarrassing me, I’ve had enough”… Yeah, no.

      Remember when Erykah Badu said, “I think ya better call Tyrone” several years ago? That’s what I say, except replacing Tyrone with whatever random one of his whores I think of in the moment, every time he’s got a sob story about anything. ? Maybe I should preface those suggestions with a fake “sorry”.

      • “Sorry means nothing asshole.” That there is a beautiful statement. I am completely with you. I genuinely look forward to “outing” his ass as soon as this settlement and divorce is safely finalized. I am going to be the loudest fucking canary the world has ever heard. TWEET FUCKING TWEET #notevenalittlesorry

    • “boo hoo and tears for the man whore” Haha! Good one. I love the sarcasm! That’s one of the things about me when I get upset, sarcasm is my friend

  • Ha ha. What is is this “apology” you speak of?

    I got: You have made your decision to destroy the family.
    You have traumatized the children, not me.
    I’m going to do what I think is best. Whatever you think, I don’t care.

    And the text that was submitted as evidence in the Protective Order hearing:
    Jesus forgave his killers. Can u not forgive me?

    Since I’m not Jesus, no. Toodaloo, motherfucker.

  • Three days after D Day (when I stupidly took him back), I got, “I’m sorry but it wasn’t about sex. I really loved her but I realize now how important my family is. I couldn’t walk away without at least trying!” My chumpy heart was so relieved …. he loved me MORE!!! Of course, that’s NOT what he was saying. He loved CAKE more. Amazing how we hear what we want. Ugh… I turn my own stomach when I think of some of the things I did to show him how “worthy” I was. Horrible.
    More recently I got the “I’m so sorry, but that’s not who I am. My friends and family know the real me. We can make this work. Ive grown as a person. I’ve learned so much since the affair”….. Yes, he’s learned SO MUCH since his year and a half affair that ended 5 months ago when he got caught! He’s learned I will actually divorce his lying , entitled, pathetic, cowardly ass.

    • “Yes, he’s learned SO MUCH since his year and a half affair that ended 5 months ago when he got caught! He’s learned I will actually divorce his lying , entitled, pathetic, cowardly ass.”

      LOL, he’s learned so much, but you have learned things too and so much more! Shaking my pom poms for you!

      • Thanks Kellia 🙂

        There have been moments I’ve wanted to kick my own ass in this process. Times that I want to see REAL remorse desperately. I have learned so much from everyone here. Sometimes I literally want to crack up when STBXH says something idiotic & WORD FOR WORD from something CL or someone in CN has posted. It’s like an instant SNAP- OUT -OF -IT -HE’S- AN -ASSHOLE awakening.

    • His dumb butt should have been trying from the beginning, by not putting himself in a situation to eff some other random chick! Oops, too late now Mfer! Soooo glad you snapped out of it!

  • “I can’t imagine what it would feel like if you had done this to me.”

    “It was always about the thrill of the chase.”

    “I wish I could do all the things with you that I do with her.”

    A few things come to mind. He CAN’T empathize. He’s a sociopath. Every action was deliberate.

    Never once did I get an appology.
    If you met him you would believe he’s a nice guy. He writes love poems.

    Now my life is authentic. I will never have contact or pretend for anyone. He is evil.

    • Same story here with everyone thinking he’s a great guy. More like great pretender. Even his whores thought he was great until each one found out they were one of a million others. Lol.

      I think it’s an essential part of the game for some of these folks. That way, they can convince their co-cheaters that they’re great people and to cheat with them, and it’s also a preemptive strike for if they get caught. What? Him? No way. He’s such a nice guy! Then no one believes it. And if there’s real proof, they’ve still got people on their side because they’re sooooo nice, so their spouse must have some something to make them cheat.

      Yeah, it’s no coincidence. It’s premeditated for sure.

  • I got “I’m sorry you found out because otherwise you would not have gotten hurt. It eventually would have peter out”. So now she is blaming me for the hurt and pain I experienced (why couldn’t I just understand?) because I found out (that was my fault too).

    Two years later I asked her why she was still living with her affair partner since it was supposed to peter out and she said because I forced her to go live with her (I wouldn’t let her stay living with me) and now she is co-dependent on her.

    I am grateful for how things turned out. My divorce was final last week – on a Tuesday!

    • Congrats on the new chapter of your life!

      You are not responsible for anyone else’s present circumstances, and everyone has choices. This is just mindfuckery.

    • I got the same plea – just let it play itself out….
      I knew that was Bullshit, it’s really just asking for TIME for more cake!
      He wanted to ‘let her down easy’, and she’s ‘really broken up’. You know, this steeled my resolve to proceed to divorce, all this coddling of the AP’s feelings. I knew at that point he was too screwed up to be with!

      • STBX is REALLY offended I told him I hate his whore and wish she was dead. That is be happy to shoot her myself. That when she “accidentally” got pregnant that I wanted her to miscarry (back when I thought wreckonciliation was an option). I’m sorry! I’m supposed to like this home wrecking SLUNT from HELL?! No. I hope once STBX moves in with her her abusive alcoholic ex takes all three of them out in a murder suicide.

        • Shelby – you’re cracking me up!
          “STBX is REALLY offended I told him I hate his whore and wish she was dead.”

          OK – great you’re at the anger stage.
          But, do keep your really dark thoughts here.

          However, When I called the whore a whore, oh wow – you’d think I just insulted his entire world!
          I was shocked when he replied that she was a nice, decent woman!
          Well, I’d known her for 4 yrs as my BFF for the same amount of fucking time as he did and we were very involved in emailing everyday. So, hell. I KNEW she was a fucking predator Black Spider Whore. And, she had a horse face. He didn’t like that comment either. But, we used to say that about her together.

          He said she didn’t have very nice things to say about me. (after all those emails of us two close friends)
          I hadn’t thought, at the time, he was giving her info about me, PLUS what she was getting from me.

          A fucking horse-faced whore.

          Hang there. Direct your anger in a positive direction.
          I almost went very crazy more than once.

          DIGNITY RULES!

    • Loyal2aFault, if nobody else has told you today, loyalty is a good quality. She doesn’t deserve you. It sounds like you had a gold-digging whore. I am glad to hear you are divorced. Thanks for your post!

  • I got “I didn’t want this to happen”…along with “I wish I had known how you really felt” all this after meeting to get him to sign the divorce papers. How did he leave? Left the house one random Nov. day telling his then-16 yr old son he was headed to the gym. With just a backpack of clothes, he shut his phone off for days as I fell apart wondering what the heck was going on. He never looked back after 26 years together and moved right in w. his ‘soulmate’ to help her navigate her own divorce because you know, her husband cheated on her. What?! Still trying to find peace realizing I will never know why he did what he did to his family…completely disconnecting from us, our two children and the life we had. No apology ever given…all he ever said was he had been contemplating suicide for weeks leading up to just abandoning us. He was that miserable w. our life. Nice. I know now it was always about him. Period.

    • “Still trying to find peace realizing I will never know why he did what he did to his family…completely disconnecting from us”

      I’m flabbergasted. What I’ve realized over the years, is that it would take a gun to the head for a normal spouse to leave their family. And It’s almost impossible for someone to abandon their children too. But not these folks. They seem to be disordered and the reason they can disconnect and leave is because the connection wasn’t there to begin with. Further, by the time they leave, they have already seriously disconnected a while back, which leaves the Chump reeling not since it’s such a shock. And your Ex was contemplating suicide, yet had no problem getting sexual with another woman and moved right in with her after abandoning you all. For someone who wanted to end his life, he sure knew what to do right after callously dumping his own family. You’re right it was always about him and these disordered folk never really attach to anyone, hence the ease with which they cowardly abandon their family. It’s sick.

      • Thanks Kellia…I realize now he had been disconnecting from us more and more over the years. And no matter how hard I tried to keep him on the right path, it was never going to happen. I went to endless family events w.o him, always covering for him and his moods and silently dealt w. years of addiction issues w. him that led to a diagnosis of bipolarism to explain it all…Right. Why did I stay during all this? I fought endlessly to keep our family together, to help him find happiness within but it was never enough. After he left and lots of soul-searching, therapy and stumbling upon Chump Nation, I realize how truly unhealthy it all was. I believe I cried more for myself realizing I let myself be devalued by someone that could never love anyone as much as he loved himself. He truly lacked empathy and as I discovered, was rotten to the core. To this day, he has lost any relationship w. his children, now 22 and 18 but I wake up happy and healthy w. the knowledge I found myself. For this, I owe everyone here as this blog got me through the last two years.

        • ^^^THIS^^^…..”I believe I cried more for myself realizing I let myself be devalued by someone that could never love anyone as much as he loved himself.”

        • +2. This is where I’ve been for the last few weeks as I’ve realized how much and for how long he devalued me and I spackled it all away. It’s hard to believe I loved, with all my heart and soul, someone who neither respected nor valued me. And in case I was in any doubt, he told me not long ago that he literally has “no respect” for me and hasn’t for years. I’ve gone back to strict no contact now that the divorce is final, so I won’t be around to hear it when he starts spouting that he never loved me.

        • This could have been written by me!! That is why I value Chump Nation so much. The circumstances are so bizarre that it almost doesn’t seem like it could even be true. But so many of us have eerily had the same experience, and there is such comfort in knowing that others know my life firsthand and I am not crazy!

        • @TillyBeth – He never went to family events unless I dragged him, and my our 17 and 21 year old, thankfully, know who he is.

          I got the ” it’s both our fault ” – “we just didn’t work” after 22 years of partnership. Something told me NOT to marry him- Fuck shit damn I should have – could have gotten way more for my kids! He left for 2 months then said he was coming back as we were both on the house deed. What a self-serving asshole!! Now buying the house and he went back to live with AP until he buys another place. Of course get tormented weekly with- when is the closing- this is holding me up…

          #heisaselfservingcheaterwhocan’tfindhappinessandneverwill

      • +100% Kellia. ” because the connection wasn’t there to begin with.”
        You bet. I’ve read of research that confirms this (brain scans of some sort). They are disordered.

    • Holy crap, Tilly….fucktards whore was also going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her, so naturally my husband fell into her vagina while curing her of abandonment issues.

      Ans they all think they are special snowflakes qhere they and only they are the exception’s to the rules.

      • Same. They were “helping each other’s marriages”. She’s really helped ours by telling my STBX that she loves him and telling him to move in with her. But then saying “Stay. Fix things with your wife” You manipulative piece of fucking trash! And my idiot STBX is doing the pick me dance for her. Because the abusive ex could be let back in because she’s not strong enough with out my STBX there by her side. Or maybe one of her skeezey friends with benefits might win her heart. Because she’s so desirable and she NEEDS someone to help her be strong! OMG why can’t he see this shit for what it is?!

    • What a complete mind fuck that had to have been for you and your children TillyBeth. I’m so sorry he did that to you.

  • All I can say is that I envy those that got even a fake apology. Yes, it’s probably for three better, but xw just walked away and never looked back. Told one daughter “I never slept with him” so didn’t cheat. She has never apologised in her life. 🙁

    • Hey there Marked711, hope all is well! Go Cubs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Your ex has never apologized in her life because she has trouble separating her actions from her character. God forbid that she feels shameful.

      She probably fears that an apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict and then she would have to assume full responsibility and relieve you of any culpability. She’s a coward.

      She was trying to manage her emotions by being comfortable with emotional distance from you. If she showed you any bit of emotional closeness that would make her vulnerable and it would be extremely threatening to her.

      She is a candidate for the ole “tie a cinder block to her head and throw her overboard”. Fucking bottom-feeder that she is. Carp Whore.

      • I couldn’t agree more (except for the cider block). I feel she deserves to suffer, but she needs to live with it. I need to just forget she ever existed in my life.
        Cowardly bottom feeder – YES!

        • Marked -‘I need to just forget she ever existed in my life.’

          I find this is the hardest hurdle of all.
          I know I need to forget he ever existed, therefore I try to wipe out any memories that now seem surreal and fake.

          I found the toughest part was falling Out of love with the guy, because I did love him with my entire being.
          He always treated me with respect and love and dignity and he lost it all in a split second of fucking his whore.

          It’s a hurdle, and I’m 2-1/2 yrs from d-day and 2yrs from divorce, and still struggling.
          I do miss him. 🙁 But, trying to forget he ever existed.

          • Shechump, you are just on the brink of fully getting over that love hump.

            Focus more on remembering your most awesome existence and less on forgetting his existence. If you can do this, I promise you the feeling of indiffernce towards him will be dead ahead straight. 🙂

        • Howdy, Marked. I hope you are doing well today. Glad to see your post. I can so relate to the never got a XYZ. A lot of chumps here had a hoovering cheater, or a series of D-Days, or even a faux apology. It sounds like you are still hurting because she never gave you anything. I hear you. It hurts me so much to invest myself so deeply in a woman that I loved with every cell of my body. And when she was gone, she was all gone. I wanted so many things from her. She made it seem like even in a break up she would go with dignity. Just another thing she lied about to me. May you find some peace today.

  • Apologies are just words to these assholes, and words are just tools to get what they want.

    After all three D-Days, I got the classic, “I’m sorry for what I did, but your behavior drove me to it.” And I was insecure enough to fall for it.

    During our short-lived holiday wreckonciliation, I got a lovely apology in which he appeared to take on all the responsibility for his behavior and he appeared to understand and regret the pain he caused me. He told me how much he loved me, loved being with me, and believed we could work things out. He told me he was committed to working things out. Two weeks later, he dumped me (again). Two weeks after that, his dating profile was back up and his story was we were just two very different people. That his infidelities were “immaterial” because the marriage was over long ago. That if I needed to tell myself he’d betrayed me to make myself feel better, that was up to me.

    Without CN, I’d have gone crazy trying to figure out how the same person could say, with passion and conviction, two completely contradictory things.

  • I was supposed to feel better about it all because he told me “I did a lot of chasing but not a lot of catching.”
    Oh yeah…that makes all the difference in the world.

    • Good lord. The audacity of these fuckers, right? — From your moniker, I’ll tell you, it may look like Hell now, but you’ll get through it and will be so much better off without him.

    • I LOVE your name. Hell is now in our rear view mirrors. Right, CN???

      Kinda makes you wish he hadn’t caught you, eh? (hope it is okay to say that to you)

      Keep posting. We’ll have some fun on this ridiculous trip!

  • I insisted upon and got a printed apology in the local press which I dictated – it was a total waste of time and money as he went on lying and cheated again.
    They are not sorry – they may hate the consequences – they may miss the cake – they maybe rather you were not sobbing and freaking out now you know – but they wanted to do it and chose to.
    I got told that what he really wanted all along was me but he was brought up to pretend that he wanted things that he did not really care about and his cheating was really a sign of my importance in his life as it was all down to a fear of not being good enough.
    Yes really.

    • Aack. Complete word salad. Good for you publishing a printed public apology. Way to be mighty with consequences. I agree completely with you – they are not sorry. They wanted and chose to do it.

  • I’m sorry you feel bad and I never meant to hurt you. Oh, I only did this while I was drinking.

    Translation I’m sorry you found out, could not care less about you. And my alcohol use excuses everything (so driving drunk and getting a huge fine was a police officer’s error? not yours?) because I never made the Ashley Madison profile and paid for years of puerile drivel while sober; never made arrangements to fuck my best friend’s wife in a previously booked hotel room; never fucked my coworker at work while stone cold sober. I was always drunk while looking at my credit card statements and not realizing I paid thousands of dollars for escorts, Craigslist ads, Ashley Madison chats, porn (how stupid is a man who pays for this shit when he can download it free?)

    Sometimes I don’t know who is stupider. Me for not finding out and realizing what an asshole I married or this crappy human being who did this shit and believes he really is a nice guy and the booze made him do bad things.

    • You are not stupid, just another chump. He used you, lied to you, and abused you. I hope you are away from him. Using alcohol as an excuse for bad behavior is just an additional layer of mindfuckery. He’s a terrible person, and he should be locked up.

  • I got the “I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore”… and “I’m sorry, but WE need to fix US”.

    The irony- he had no problem looking in the mirror to take selfies for the AFF personal ad. And, I’m a bit unclear on how “we fix us” when only one of “us” was out fucking strangers in hotels. HMM.

    You’re right Donald… you’re a narcissist but Bill is a narcissist too. But it doesn’t excuse either of you.

    Fascinating to watch a woman “man-up” on the national political stage surrounded by these two fuckwits.

    Rock on Chump Nation.

    • I got the “I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore” as well. It is amazing that these cheaters use the same material on us chumps.

  • # 4+++ !! For me, that was multiple suicide treats. It was always implicit that it would be my fault if he ever did it. He would say things like : “How long do I have to pay for my mistake? Tell me, so I can kill myself now because it is too hard”. That with a knife on his wrist made quite an impression at the time. The best defence is the offensive and my ex knew I loved him more than anything so he made the worst treat possible. Looking back, I still don’t know how this could have been my life and how despite my best efforts, it still taints my life today.

    As for apologies, I got the “I apologized a thousand times and it makes no difference..” line. Needless to say, I was not in the room when he apologized, not even once!

    Gosh, getting a life is the hard part in this…

    • If you coax a stray cat from behind a woodpile with food and soothe it until it lets you pet it, then slap it, the stray cat doesn’t come back and eat and let you touch it again because you apologized.

      Consequences. Adults realize they are a thing. Children whose bodies matured beyond their immature minds can’t see how cause begets effect.

      “I apologized.” Whoop-de-f’ing-do, what do you plan to do to rebuild trust? Look pretty? Doesn’t cut it.

  • He said, “I have made mistakes but you need to change if you want me in your life”, quickly followed by “us being together is no longer an option”. He only ever said sorry once in 40 years and that was when I had to be tested for everything under the sun and I was crying asking him how he could do that to me as he was my only love and I was in complete and utter shock. I was so surprised when he uttered the word sorry I stated that, that was the 1st time he had ever said sorry to me and he blew a gasket and berated me once more with the coldest look I have ever seen. Thank God he has gone and good riddance.

    • “He said, “I have made mistakes but you need to change if you want me in your life”, quickly followed by “us being together is no longer an option”.”

      You should have said you’re absolutely right. The first change I will make is to get rid of your ass.

    • That is so cruel, Maree. I am sorry he did that to you. You grasped on to his utterance of “sorry,” and he took that moment to attack you that much harder. He’s a monster, and you didn’t deserve any of that. You deserve love, respect, and joy. I am glad you are here.

  • I got the famous ‘#2) It’s all about me’. And in potty training language, it really was a ‘#2’. A turd non-apology. “I have no logical explanation to justify my actions. I guess I was trying to justify my behaviour by laying the blame of knowing that you would not move back here, that you were the one who left, that I don’t want to live there, that we no longer enjoy intimacy; a kind of whoa [sic] is me list accompanied by the helpless feeling that I was having. That line of thinking is all about me. Blame, blame, blame. I accept full responsibility for my action, my mistake without blame.”

    Mindfuckery at its’ best. It is really all about ME, Virago. And it is blame, but if I reduce it to a MISTAKE (the old ‘#5 Minimization’) then I accept full responsibility and it is, in just one more sentence, no longer blaming. ‘Cause you and I both despise blaming. Virago, you taught me that blame is bad and even when I do bad things they really aren’t bad if I just say to you that they are not as-bad-as-you-think-they-are.

    And later in the email that ended my 22 year relationship he said, “If you choose it to be so, breaking the trust will be the factor that will define our time together, that I broke the trust, that I was too weak to tell you that I/we needed to talk. On the other hand, I often wondered what you expected from me.” I think this is decoded to turd #2, but not sure (as soon as I go back to his words, everything gets fuzzy). Something along the line of ‘I had to cheat because you expected too much of me. I’m only 67, Virago. How could you expect me to be a grown-up?’

    CN, if I incorrectly interpreted this PLEASE advise. Spare me not. When exposed to his words, the fog descends.

    • Ugh, Virago.

      How could you have loved such a knuckle-dragging cretin? Your writing is stellar. He couldn’t even take the time to proof a 22-year ending email? Pathetic. Woe – it’s “woe is me,” MoFaux. He’s back in your head isn’t he, Virago. I can feel your pain.

      “My mistake without blame?” That encapsulates his whole message, Virago. It’s word-salad, blame-shifting, and gaslighting all in one sentence. It’s not worth dissecting, mate. Just chalk it up to experience. Remember the good times because you are good. Rewrite the story with yourself as a survivor, and go pet a pup. You are awesome. He’s a turd.

      • Thanks. I really like “knuckle dragging cretin”. Oh, and I especially liked “MG used her vagina as a golden parachute” from the other day! And hugs for cheering me up and on.

        Arghhhhhh. I did choose him, so it says volumes about me. Perhaps those volumes can be incinerated.

        Enough about us. Back to MoFaux running through the forest (downsized version!!).

  • So much fail to choose from. Mine is still lying but I learned through years not to give away what I know. Originally, I got a deep breath, pause, I apologize for hurting you. I didn’t know how to get out of it and I was afraid she would tell you. Apparently, he was forced to carry on a months long affair while I was pregnant because AP might tell. Old AP = new AP, so more lies. Too bad I can’t get a nickel for every lie, I’d be rich.

  • “I am sooooo sorry” for having multiple affairs during our marriage and leaving after 28 years for the office slunt

    BUT

    “It takes 2 to make a marriage work”
    “YOU didn’t make me talk to you. YOU didn’t make me cut back on my work hours. YOU didn’t make me take more vacations. And THE KIDS LIKE YOU BETTER THAN ME!”

    Darn. I lost my super powers controlling nut job?
    Bwahahah.

  • Nothing bores me more in a novel or film that a dream sequence.

    But, I keep having a reoccurring dream. I am locked up in jail, and in the dream….I cannot tell anyone what crime I committed. The “officials” keep asking, other women inmates ask me and in the dream…I can feel myself groping, grasping, searching for an answer. I have none.

    I realize today I am have been serving crime, locked in a prison, and I did nothing wrong. Nothing. I never even thought about cheating. I treated him like the King.

    And all the high crimes he did to me (things that make my stomach roll with nausea and my mind plan revenge)…..I have gotten one weak, miserable, half ass sort of apology, phrased in a question:

    “How would someone even go about fixing something like this?”

    I am not doing any more time for a crime I did not commit. I don’t know how to fix this (I am all ready complete NC) but I think he needs far less time in my thoughts.

    Far less time analyzing a bucket of slop. Analyzed it for 5 months. Still SLOP.

    • “Sometimes horse shit is just horse shit.” Amen.

      Also, “How would SOMEONE ..fix something like this?” — Ummm, who is that magical “someone” going to be? Gandalf? Dumbledore?? Magic wand, maybe? But it’s not HIS responsibility to fix it. Or, better still, to have prevented it. Nope. Just “someone,” I guess. And, poor sausage, he just doesn’t have any idea how even that “someone” would go about fixing it! I mean, that counts as trying, or apologizing, right??

      No, motherfucker. It does not.

        • I didn’t realize that you had a blog, NWB. Normally the name of a blogger is active when the cursor passes over (maybe that is only for WordPress blogs). Anyway, I really like it. Well done.

          Are you leave America? You were thinking of breaking up! And now packing moving boxes. Hmmm.

          What a wild and crazy ride, eh?

    • Ah the dreams.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPemyipJzAM

      Cheap Trick theme today. (Side note, Robin Zander is such a little guy, but I love his falsetto. I think the bassist was the cutest, but I am a guy, so I can’t be sure.)

      The dreams are a way of figuring out your stuff, Sylvia. You know that. It takes as long as it takes. Once the mind-movies ended, the nightmares came. I have of late taken to kicking MG in my dreams. (Are we still calling your X, Rasputin?) Like, I wake myself up sometimes when I kick her in my dream and in real life my foot makes contact with the wall. Ha.

      As long as you don’t contact him, any pain or dreams you endure only serve to make you stronger. Embrace them if you can.

        • That’s why I asked. Bun E. has a certain swarthy charm, but I guess I think pretty boys get all the love. Good to know.

          • The pretty boys like the pretty little girls, mostly. Too much squeaky squealing for my taste. (Seriously, “Ain’t That a Shame” live in Budokan? It’s like a dog-whistle convention.) I prefer a man who looks like he can get things done, and I’d take Bun E. over Robin any day, though they all seem like perfectly lovely gents.

  • My STBXH told me soon after he moved in with OW. “I admitted to both of you that I made a mistake moving in with her. I was searching for my happiness and I now know this isn’t it. Now, both of you are mad at me for telling the truth and being honest.” First of all I don’t think he would know the truth or honesty if they both slapped him in the face at the same time. He just realized that OW was jealous and over bearing after they had to face real life together. She was more fun when they were sneaking and hiding around town. Now, that he can openly flaunt her, he is embarrassed of what others will think of him. What he fails to realize that the ones closes to him do not think very highly of him anyway. He is miserable unhappy man that I see trying to find his happiness through others. I do feel sorry for my children even though they are adults. They know their dad is a narcissist but they love him dearly. They desire for him to seek some sort of real relationship with them. But, he is so self-absorbed he only thinks of himself. It is truly sad.

    • “I was searching for my happiness”

      Yeah, he’s searching for happiness with his dick. And we all saw how far that got him. This guy needs serious therapy. And I’m not sure how old he is, but shouldn’t he know by now at his age what makes him happy?? I mean shouldn’t he have figured it out already. I can understand you may not know in your teens or 20s, but at his age, he should have figured that out already. It’s not after you create a family and destroy it that you search for happiness with your penis, searching for happiness at the expense and destruction of your own family. Nice, real nice.

  • Real life quotes from the OW (because ex husband was too passive to tell me himself):
    I won’t apologize for falling in love with your husband.
    If you wanted to keep him, why did you let him keep seeing me?
    I noticed a change in him because you did X, Y and Z.
    He says that you wish bad things would happen to me, I would never wish bad things on you.

  • Examples from the Kunty Kibbler:

    2.) It’s All About Me.
    – “I was in a different place then.” (And what place was that? Mindfuckington DC?)
    – “Just so you know, since we decided (!) to get divorced, my desire to see lots of people has gone way down. So that tells me that I was really just looking for a way out of the marriage after all.” (You didn’t know this at the time? That makes you either delusional or imbicilic — pick one.)
    – “I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.” (#alwaysmeanttobeacunt)

    3.) You have faults too!
    – “You’ve never any taken responsibility for your own issues that led to the destruction of the marriage.” (If you can name one issue and illustrate with examples, I’ll be happy to discuss it . . . [crickets])

    5.) Minimization
    – “I made a mistake, and I have to own that.” (And how’s that going? Must’ve taken you all of an hour to own and deal with it, given that you started fucking the Creepy Writer [and others] one week after I threw down the gauntlet.)
    – “I apologized for my mistake, and you didn’t accept it — which I guess you have the right to do.” (Yes, and now that I’ve been fired from taking your feelings into consideration, I plan on exercising that right as much as possible.”)
    – “You need to put on your big boy pants and find a way to move forward, for the sake of our girls.” (You need to put on that waist harness and asspound the Creepy Writer as much as possible, because when he becomes your realisty rather than your escape, it ain’t gonna be as much fun to do it. AND . . . I want my girls to know that god forbid either of them are ever in my situation, they do NOT owe their perpetrator respect or deference, regardless of any shared history.)

    • I always read your cunt’s words like they came from the cock-sucking mouth of my cunt, UXWorld.

      How do you do it, dude?

    • Don’t let her turn this into an “exit affair” in your mind, UXWorld. That’s how all cheaters want to spin it. I was just looking for happiness. No, you are an evil person who couldn’t keep it in your pants. It’s not the same. Die in a grease fire, Kunty Kibbler.

  • This from the erstwhile friend who had been having the affair with my now ex:
    “I can only acknowledge the pain I have caused you”
    Well that’s big of you…

    • What’s with assholes posturing with big words and business talk? Mine would sob one minute, and switch to formal-speak within seconds. Of course he had no words if I was a puddle on the ground. And the lovely AP? When she saw how sad I was, she said, “This has nothing to do with me. You should get counselling.” Actually, I did, and I found out he’s a narc. Oh, let me rephrase that … HER narc.

    • I got a similar line: “I can only imagine how you feel.” probably true as narcs lack empathy.

      Then there was the self-pitying apology accompanied by crocodile tears, “I am SO (sob). Sorry. (gasp) for what I did to you (gasp. Sob).” Then cue the self pity: “And it’s something I’m (the victim) going to have to live with for the rest of my life!!” [waaah waaaah waaaah, tears streaming down his face].
      It was very melodramatic and might have been convincing were it not for the fact I was already used to the way he could turn on the tears with a switch, whenever he was ending a two to three hour long narcissistic rage at me. Long before D-Day, I used to think he was faking the tears because he would only cry when I started to cry after being raged at for 2-3 hours.
      Then he was all tears and sobbing at how hard his life was and how I didn’t validate him, and poor sobbing man I used to walk over and hug and comfort him for what I put him through.
      It was all an act.

      I got minimization and blame shifting as well, in the form of some memorable lines:
      “I don’t know what you are so upset about, Muse. I stayed with you longer than any of the others.” That last phrase’s actual meaning became clear to me when months later I contacted his two prior long term GFs and they disclosed he’d cheated on them both, and cheated on #1 with #2.

      “I don’t even know if things are real [with OW], or if it’s just another … .”thing.”” That last word became unmistakably clear when almost a year after Dday I stumbled on the emails he’d written to the prior OW.

      Bottom line his fake apology contained the word “sorry” but he was only sorry that he’d been caught and his cake-filled free existence would force him out into the world where he “wasn’t sure OW was a ‘sure thing.'” Too bad, so sad.

    • Erstwhile being the operative word. If he was really a man he would have let you have one free shot to kick him square in the nuts.

  • When I demanded an apology after X unleashed a torrent of verbal abuse, F-bombs, and blame-shifting denials of his cheating on me, he came back with, “The truth is, we both owe each other ten thousand apologies. How can two such smart, loving, empathetic, and caring people reach the point where all they do is hurt each other? We are better than that.”

    That fine little piece of projection was the closest I ever got to a compliment from him. Yes, I am a smart, loving, empathetic, and caring person. Him, not so much.

  • “If I could go back and change things, I would. This is the only regret in my life.” Of course it’s his only regret! I was the only one who found out about his lies and walked out on him.. unlike his ex and AP who still do the pick me up dance. So yeah, he regrets the loss of kibbles. Imagine the hard work now to find a brand new chump!

  • CheaterX never apologized for the affair. His exact words, once I told him I knew of the affair, were “And that means…?” However, he never really apologized at all during the entire marriage.

    I was taught how to argue with someone. Stay on the topic, and stay away from comments on the person. Explain how action X makes you feel, be open to compromise and alternate solutions. The final result should be a win for everyone, even if the win is to acknowledge respect for, if not agreement with, the other person’s position.

    Needless to say, CheaterX didn’t understand any of this. Not only that, he couldn’t see that it was possible for me to agree with him, but for different reasons. Yep, he needed an echo chamber. On top of all that, he’d fly into a rage if he thought I disagreed with him.

    I cannot count the times he reduced me to tears of frustration. I am not normally someone who bursts into tears.

    Anyway, I do remember spackling madly on the few times he grunted that maybe he went a little too far, or tried to be nice afterwards. I tried to make those into apologies. They weren’t.

    I would say that Chumps want their cheaters to be better people than what they really are. Unfortunately, their actions speak much louder than their words, and what we see is really who they are.

    • “I would say that Chumps want their cheaters to be better people than what they really are. Unfortunately, their actions speak much louder than their words, and what we see is really who they are”.
      kb, this is so true. I always felt unworthy of my ex because stupidly I thought less of myself and it is only with hindsight I realise how lucky he was to have me in his life. I really wanted my ex to be better but he isn’t. I cringe with embarrassment and humiliation for our 2 adult kids knowing what and who he is doing and also his past actions.

    • KB your ex has the emotional intelligence of an Adidas cardboard shoe-box. Acronym below…

      #AllDayIDreamAboutStupid

  • First time around (10 years in) I got “I think I cheated on you because I’ve been trying to get away from you.” But I did the Pick Me Dance and “won” him back. No verbal apology from him, though he did make 1000 origami paper cranes for me with subtle programming messages written on them about things he “loved” about me some of which felt sincere and most of which were messages like “I love how you cook me dinner every night.” Oh hell no, I wasn’t cooking him dinner every night. Anyway, in my mind I wasn’t someone who needed to be gotten away from, so even in my devastated state I wanted to Make It Work. It took years for me to get mostly over this first time, and we trauma bonded, and then…

    Second time around (20 years in) I got a variation of the first time: “I think I keep on cheating on you because I’ve been trying to get away from you for the past 20 years.” But this time he tossed in a mumbled “Sorry for my Sneak.” That’s what he called it — his alter ego I guess — the Sneak. As he said it, he looked like a puppy who had just piddled on the carpet. And yet I played the damned Pick Me Dance again. Set up therapy appts, became super smooshy and as sexy as I could be, and begging forgiveness for all of the ways I annoyed him over the years. Super Chump! Ultimately, I was discarded for the OP anyway — a 25 yo super shy and super fit blank slate to my ex partner’s 48 years of narcissism and charm. After apologizing for his Sneak, he said he finally decided to tell me the truth about this last round of cheating because the therapist I asked him to see told him he was really far out of his integrity and owed me the truth. After confessing, he said during all of this I had become “a monster who needed to be killed.” I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he was speaking metaphorically. I was getting in his face a lot, challenging him with my anger, begging him to just tell me everything and stop the gaslighting. “Please help me regain my sanity!” So to him I became a monster. Who needed to be killed. I will never forget hearing that. I should have called the cops on him.

    • Chumpeddude-

      You are a monster in his eyes because you have been holding him accountable.

      He has trouble separating his actions from his character. God forbid that he feels shameful.

      He probably fears that an apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict and then he would have to assume full responsibility and relieve you of any culpability. Hes a gutless coward. Trust me, good riddance.

      • SureChumpedAlot,

        Thanks for the words of support!

        When he finally decided to end our 20 year relationship to be with the other guy (kid) (his words were “I’ve decided to leave you for ________”). It was a week after my dad died, I was so distraught by everything going on, and I kicked him out of the house. Because I kicked him, he now says that I ended things. He be crazy!! He really thinks I dumped him. Talk about mind blown!

        And now he’s going after me financially by roping me into his tax mess and by refusing to acknowledge I had loaned him a large some of money.

        How can people be so shitty!?!

    • ChumpDude – YOU became a monster who needed to be killed? (he cheated to get away from you?!)
      What the fuck is that about.
      And, he was the one cheating?

      I’d say, run far and fast from this true monster.
      Who says things like that?
      He loved you at one time and now *you’re* the monster.
      Talk about trying to hurt the very most with a few limited comments.

      Anybody that uses the odd word ‘Sneak’, like a medal, which is not a common word in chump language, really. Sneak?
      (I ‘sneaked on my spouse’ – does that mean cheating and more…..?)
      If it is, I dunno, it just sounds to me like somebody would be spying on YOU, sneakily and ready to kill you, sneakily.

      This makes NO sense and, frankly, he sounds Batty in the head to me.
      Let him fly away like the rabid bat that he is.
      It’s never easy – glad you are here and expressing yourself.

  • He actually said-
    Just so you know, I didn’t go looking for them
    Just so you know I wasn’t able to finish
    Just so you know if you would have thrown me a birthday party for my 50th this wouldn’t have happened
    Just so you know I asked you to come with me and you didnt want to
    Just so you know I hate myself everyday for what I did
    Just so you know I hurt too
    Just so you know I can’t forgive myself.
    Just so you know- This one is my favorite- I was going to bring you flowers today before you found out.

    Yeah he was an asshole and I forgave him too many times. It will take a long time before I can forgive myself for not seeing him for what he was. Just writing this makes me physically ill.

    • Blindersoff…

      Just so you know, this is not your fault.

      Just so you know be kind to yourself.

      Just so you now you deserve to rid yourself of a cheater.

      Just so you know you are surrounded by kind, caring and loving people.

      Just so you know, I offer you the biggest cyber-hug that I can.

  • This is all nice and good, but what I’d like to see are some EPIC COMEBACKS to these weak-@$$ excuses we get handed by our cheaters. Something that spa them in their tracks and makes them think “Huh? WTF?” instead of us doing that for a change! Come on CN, hit me with your most imaginative comebacks!

    • Ahhh, that’s my problem. I read the wrong stuff first (the reconciliation sites), that tell you to be everything and more during the pick-me dance, or go 180 and don’t say anything. Definitely don’t piss him off and don’t bring up the affair … just show that you’re the best option. What he said to me didn’t register as abuse until I started reading this site.

      So I’m full of comebacks now of what I wished I had said … I amuse myself with them. His excuse of “A door opened.” “Well, shut it on your way out!” or my favourite, “That wasn’t a door; it was her legs.”

      What actually stopped him in his tracks was the psychotherapist who didn’t let him bullshit her with his posturing … she’s seen that type many times before. She told him to shit or get off the pot, and afterwards said to me, “I did that for you, not him.” I should have done it for myself long before then.

      • ChumpedOff! – great challenge!!! ‘This is all nice and good, but what I’d like to see are some EPIC COMEBACKS’

        I wasn’t as quick as he was on any comebacks and I thought of many during the divorce and I did deliver a few good ones when I emailed.

        But, I think my very favorite after the divorce was final was:

        Hi Honey, I’ve been tracking your movements on GPS for 2 yrs now, all through the divorce.
        Please turn off your iPad GPS because I’m done tracking you.

        He was stunned and it probably helped him solve how I always knew what he was up to during those 2 years.
        Not sure why it surprised him – he was oblivious that tracking was so avail on my computer he was using.
        Joke was on him, and all he replied was, ‘I had no idea you’d been working for the HLS division’; he NEVER gave me credit for my IT skills.

        • I sort of left him to wonder what other things I bugged with my IT intelligence, while he entertained his whore in it. Wish I would have let him think I saw and heard all his shenanigans in MY m/h. But, I don’t reach that low to lie. I easily could have put those cameras and voice boxes in there, as well as my home, but the last thing I wanted to hear was about his love affair. So, I limited it to tracking. I could have gotten so much more.

          Signed, detective extrannoire! lol

      • Oh Champ, I also loved your favourite comeback of: “That wasn’t a door; it was her legs (closing).” My stomach still hurts from laughing-till-I-was-crying over that awesome comeback! Definitely award-winning material there. Thanks for sharing the giggle!

        I love your therapist for standing up to him for you too! She was able to express our thoughts and frustrations for you when we were too numb to feel and form a cohesive sentence for ourselves. Bless her for taking a stand in honor. She’s a real keeper!!

        SheChump, oops…pardon moi…I meant to address “Ms. Detective Extraordinaire”! LOL! I, too, am an IT professional by trade for these many years. Nice to see we both used our superior technology intelligence to give our Was-bands sufficient virtual rope with which to hang themselves. The mental image of your Fucktard’s face post-realization that he was being tracked was so vivid in my mind that I snorted iced tea all over my keyboard and had to shut down to dry out my laptop! I love it when they underestimate us, then have the audacity to look shocked! Dumb-basses!

        I recognized the facial expression as the same one my idiotic cake muncher wore when I confronted him with the pictures I captured off of our bugged computer. You know, the ones of him exposing himself to others in a chat room…which consisted solely of MEN at that time! He had no idea there was not a single woman in the chatroom until I showed him the proof. Dumb bass-turd. And oh, the glorious truth! I reduced BealzaBob to tears and copious amounts of begging to “never share the pictures with another soul as long I live”. We’ll just see about that…it’s still not over yet.

        Word to cheaters: Don’t fuckover women who are way more intelligent, and far more technical, than your sorry creepy (_!_)’s will ever hope to be! Cause: We Totally ROCK!!!

        Thank you both for sharing a smile with me tonight! I truly enjoyed your EPIC COMEBACKS!! Maybe ChumpLady will take this challenge and run with it for the rest of Chump Nation to share in the frivolities?!

  • I am astonished by how shitty so many chumps were treated by this apology bullshit and how they turn it around to being 1/2 your fault for their actions. I just cannot wrap my head around anybody being that mean and evil to project their cheating on their chump spouse and making it the chumps fault!

    I am one of those that the turning events around were around were never used on me.
    Well, some things are familiar with what has been said, but he said – I’ts not me, it’s you.
    (eye roll)
    Did all the admitting that he never loved me, doesn’t now and we were kids when we got married….so…. (so, what?!)
    Oh, and was never sexually attracted either to me either, so, I heard him loud and clear and filed immediately behind his back and he was, to say the least, shocked. As, I’d also just kicked him out of the house and served him papers.

    However, I was damn determined to get a decent apology.
    (ok, so I pushed some levers and buttons and got it done)

    During mediation with 5 lawyers, while we were trying to close up all the details of the divorce, I immediately got hung up on a DECENT FUCKING APOLOGY. So, he said, I’m sorry you feel that way and you are hurt.
    I said, that is NO apology and walked out of the conference call refusing to discuss any more mediation after his non-apology, and it would be time to go to court from there. (he was scared shitless of going in front of a judge)

    So, he briskly left the building! and started taking off down the street with his lawyer running after him.
    (I think he got extremely emotional after the ass-kicking I gave him from my ‘victim-statement’, which lasted a full 15 mins., which he never rebutted with his 15 mins)

    Not sure if the lawyer told him what I wanted to hear or what was said, but they returned and wanted to sit down one last time.
    So, back to the conference room where I got this:

    ‘I’m sorry my actions hurt you so much. I never meant to hurt you and cause you so much pain. I’m ashamed of myself and I wish I could take all my actions back.’ He looked extremely tired, exhausted and actually remorseful as we didn’t take our eyes off each others the entire time. He spoke straight into my eyes.

    Well, it was good enough for me, I reckon, even tho I had to coerce it out of him, but it was enough to make me go back and settle.
    I didn’t care about the money – just the sincere apology.

  • “I dropped off the stuff and left you your favorite pastry.”
    Pastry? He lied for years, fucked the nanny, then ran off and smashed the family and… Hey! Pastry! My favorite pastry, no less! It’s all right then. #Imworthapastry

  • Cheater was the kind of apologies. He was a serial cheater and was always very sorry. When we finally divorced, he sent me an email the night before he signed the papers which said, “Sorry I was a lousy husband.” I gave my phone the finger (directed of course at the email) and promptly deleted it. When I filed for a church annulment, he sent a letter of apology to the church (apologizing to me) and is part of the files (impression management). Seven months after the divorce and while he was still living with the OW (now OWife), he showed up unexpectedly and begged for forgiveness and wished he could turn back time. He never said the word “cheat” – just he wishes he didn’t do what he did. When I asked him why he cheated, he said, “It seemed to be the right thing to do at that time.” {hurl} I said no of course. When our son found out, he said, “Well, what he does now will show if he’s really sorry.” A few months later, cheater married the OW. How’s that for being sorry?

  • So many apologies, the one that sticks out, “I’m sorry but you just don’t understand the connection I’ve made.”All of the word salad and pretzel logic that everyone else here has experienced. Almost five years later, not a bit of sincerity, no real remorse and shitty actions that only confirm that she was and still is a piece of shit. I don’t know why I still think about her and miss her. NC for years, still waiting for Tuesday.

  • Oh, I got an apology when I caught her, complete with begging and pleading not to divorce her, a “no-contact” text to the AP, an assurance of therapy, and a promise to let me know every day how much she loves me. The MINUTE I backed off my threat to divorce? All the above went out the window and she promptly continued the affair–this time in my face and complete with blame-shifting, marital rewrite, vilification of me… the usual.

    So I divorced her. Oh! Around a year ago I did get another apology–that she was “sorry she was a bad wife…” for… wait for it… not ever taking out the garbage. What the what?

    Please, spare me any more apologies. The contrition is too overwhelming.

  • I don’t want an apology of any kind, just want the sleazy coward to stay the fuck away from me and my life. He’s a was.

    And he hasn’t even tried; I don’t think he IS sorry, for he has the life he wants now, minus the part where we’re all just super supportive and congratulatory and facilitative and crap.

    The kids say he apologized to them in the early days, but it was one of those sobbing kind, where he’s just all broken up about what he did, and so everyone should pity him because he’s a victim of something or someone (me).

    Actually sometimes I do feel sorry for him.

  • After he:
    -pinned me to the floor because I stopped him from sitting (he weighed 230 lbs) on our 6 month old baby because the baby was crying (Baby is fine, now a middle child and a robotics genius)
    -threw our 17 month old son against a wall and then choked me for rushing across the apartment to my baby, who was wailing. I also stopped him from picking up son by curling over his tiny body. (Son is fine, he is now 11 and learning powerlifting and coding)
    -slapped me into a wall when I tried to stop him from making our toddler daughter stand until she collapsed because she threw a fit about going to bed (she is now 10 and beautiful – and also a robotics genius)
    After he did these things, and I got us to a shelter, and we met at mediation:
    “I got some things I got to make for. And I got some things I need to make up to you, too.”

    • Well, jeez, I guess his willingness to “make it up to you” just makes all that abuse okay.

      I’m so happy you were able to break free from that abuse.

    • Susannah, he is a monster. I am so very sorry that you had such terrifying experiences.

      You are truly mighty to have made it safely out.

      Your kids are powerfully lucky to have you as their Mom.

  • Just in case anyone is lamenting that they did NOT get an apology from their cheater, here is an indication of just how sincere such apologies are. Mine said “I’m sorry” the last time I actually spoke to him the day of the divorce, but really meant “If I say I’m sorry, will you still support my impression management?” When push came to shove months later (and I was still refusing to be his friend), here was Hannibal’s real position:

    “Affairs happen, …Relationships fail for a reason; and yes, whether you’ll ever admit it or not, you played your part in the failure of this one — and in destroying my relationship with DD#2. I honestly don’t know how you can live with that. I would never have done that to you, never — no matter what you had done. And by the way, I am a much better person than you apparently believe —but I no longer care what you think.”

    Cheater apologies and $2 will get you a cup of coffee.

    • Several variations of “you played your part in the failure” in posts today… what sucks in my case is the steadfast insistence that it’s 100% my fault, not even some pretended sharing of the blame, if such stuff actually mattered. So it’s apology #3 without any sharing whatsoever.

      When I look back at it, I have a hard time seeing anything in any of this disaster that was my doing, in spite of all of her attempts to slander me with insinuations.

  • The X said “I’m sorry,” to me on D-Day #2.

    And I replied, “No. You’re not. People who are sorry *stop* doing the ‘hurting thing’; and you *never* did.” And then I added, “There will be no reconciliation.” He didn’t believe me right away, but I stuck to *my* word and I had my divorce decree about 11 months later.

    Mighty me.

  • Well this post sure was timely. It’s uncanny how spot on you are CL. I found myself 3 years after Dday (married d day as opposed to Just moved in with boyfriend D day… I am that chumpy!) saying “you can’t even apologize to me.”

    I was referring to an apology for accusing me of “getting in the way of his relationship” with AP by contacting him about our shared custody with our child. (Backstory: he has already cheated on her as well but chooses to police him and read every message/email) Apologize for telling me to read the schedule (the one that btw I was never consulted on and turns out is her parenting schedule with her chump’s kids. I need to go along with so they can have all their kid free time together!) when the schedule was not even correct!

    But I’m asking for, if I’m honest, and apology for EVERYTHING.

    Why do I head down that path time and again even though I know he’s incapable of genuine remorse, is devoid of empathy and fake AF even when he attempts these things.

    He’s EX now. Finally. I do feel Meh much of the time. Especially when it comes to him as a partner or lover or spouse. Revolting times a million reasons, 500,000 of whicn have zero to do with the gas lighting, manipulation, midfck, multiple women he attempted to woo (that I know about) and the one weak link he Was able to bed… The very pregnant, married office slunt who he had first brought up to me as “she thinks breastfeeding is gross…. you know not all women do that?” As I’m washing pump parts and imagining her ancestors should have died on the plains and formula is the reason her kind persists. (Don’t breastfeed but you’re an immature abomination for calling it gross!) And “it’s rumored she was banging the boss- why else would they transfer her lower level job here?”

    The midfck was long, twisted and delivered calmly and coldly over time amounting to an abuse that I have trouble even articulating.

    I beat myself up for looking for apologies or for any signs of human life from this shallow fck wit. Not sure why I want him to be a better person than he is – as Someone said. For him to acknowledge my pain in a genuine manner.

    Because frankly, it’s easier to sit back and watch him picking his nasty ingrown hair and tossing dead skin bits onto the floor in the hospital waiting area– to look at his emotion devoid eyes– listen to his dumb mouth spew out all the crap THEY have going on. All the yard work/ milk runs/ doctor appointments/weekends away/parties for his boss..

    When you know THEY are now the ones living in the house of cards built on a foundation of lies, chumped spouses, torn apart families, fcks in cars at lunch when you told your kid you were too busy to go to doc visits/school parades. Not even the perfectly landscaped pool area and Facebook posts about how Brady Bunch you are can spackle that ? Show.

    And WE…. We’re ex’s. For. A. (Bizillion) Reason(s).

    Sorry. I’m not sorry that you’re not sorry.

  • I needed this post. I can’t believe sometimes in my head I am still wistful after he did (almost) everything you listed here. Good golly Miss Molly.

  • My serial cheater ex fiance said to me ” i am sorry you feel hurt but i was going to stop when we got married”. Funny enough he was never sorry that he did it and it was all about how i reacted to it. I read a lot of Chump Lady articles and they really helped me get clarity on what those half ass apologies actually meant. i went no contact and i am pleased to say that i am getting closer and closer to MEH ! I don’t wake up thinking about all this, hardly crosses my mind in the day and even when he tries to contact me , I hold my ground with no reply. It was very difficult in the beginning but with time, the fog lifts and you will really see their bullshit .