First I just want to say I literally love you and your site has brought me so much comic relief into the shit storm my life is right now. I was with my soon-to-be-ex-husband for 12 years (together 11 and married 9 months). We had a great relationship, we went to high school, college together and had been working to support each other as young professionals. We weren’t those annoying “high school sweethearts” We each had a life of our own, friends, hobbies, etc. We just loved each other’s company and had passion for each other. We have two dogs together and purchased two houses. The most recent was a beautiful lake house that I decorated impeccably, lol. It looked like chic Martha Stewart meets midwest Lake house vibes. Anyways…
We decided to get legally married in August of 2020 as we had to postpone our wedding because of Covid. We were planning to have our big reception in August 2021. So, I planned a wedding two goddamn times. Well, that didn’t fucking happen as he decided to fuck his coworker in our own home 9 months into our marriage. Also, I’m well aware this was probably going on a lot longer than that, I don’t know who is brazen enough to fuck someone in their wife’s home “the first time” even though his lying ass told me that.
I found out because I had an intuition something was going on with this coworker, so I outsmarted him. I set our doggy camera to 24-hour recording, haha. I went out of town to PICK UP MY WEDDING DRESS, for our postponed wedding in August and had a gut instinct to check it. Lo and behold, there is the love of my life, screwing his coworker in our home. I also got to hear it, what a wonderful sound!
I’m just in complete shock. This coworker is 23 years old and has a toddler, also I’m not a mom shamer, but after stalking her social media, this is the 4th or 5th guy she has had around her kid. My ex is also really cute and makes a ton of money (not all legally), which sucks for the divorce. Not even a day after I caught him she was pretty much living in my house, sleeping in my bed, etc. I don’t blame her, it’s a beautiful lake house with a boat. I left and went to live in our first home we bought together. I’ve had so many people ask why, I was too triggered to ever step foot in that house again after seeing what I saw.
He is now just with her, living life like nothing happened, literally being a step-dad to her kid. He wouldn’t even take our fucking dogs on walks. He barely helped around the house, he was a narcissistic, alcoholic, gaslighting asshole. I’m just wondering, is it possible he just truly loves her and never loved me? Or is she just an easy, instant gratification, ego boosting kind of thing? How can someone just move on after 12 years, marriage and dogs and act like you don’t exist? He hasn’t asked about our dogs once. We don’t talk, it’s been two months and I hear from my friends and in-laws that he is trying TO INTRODUCE HER? Like Sir, we aren’t even divorced?! Assuming this is normal but WTF.
Yes I filed for divorce and am trying to get a good settlement. I’ve got that area covered.
Also – I feel so jaded over men in general that every wedding I go to from now on, I want to give them a doggy cam and write “just in case“ Is that sick of me?!
Please don’t gift doggy cams. Strangers things have been known to exist on wedding registries, but please, should the occasion arise, get the gravy ladle, or something else. You won’t always feel jaded, about love or weddings, but it’s been like what — 8 weeks since your D-Day? You’re still in the acute trauma zone.
I’m glad you’ve lawyered up and are protecting yourself. Give yourself huge credit for that.
You’ve got a great sense of mordant humor and apparently fine taste in home furnishings. You’re going to survive this shit — eventually. It’s totally normal (and pointless) to untangle the skein of fuckupedness at this stage. Your entire life just imploded, and you want to know what hit it.
I’ll indulge you in some untangling, okay?
This coworker is 23 years old and has a toddler, also I’m not a mom shamer, but after stalking her social media, this is the 4th or 5th guy she has had around her kid.
So, put another way, she’s damaged. And they work together, so your ex is endangering his company as well as you. He chose the weak antelope in the herd. From what you write, he didn’t plan to leave you — he was blithely fucking around on you, until you discovered it and lawyered up.
My ex is also really cute and makes a ton of money (not all legally), which sucks for the divorce.
When did you learn this? What does it say about your character that you were okay with his ill-gotten gains? Did you spackle over all that because he was cute and you wanted the trappings of success? Make sure your lawyer is aware of any and all exposure. And fix your picker.
People who are unethical in one arena (business, taxes) tend to be unethical in others. No one is special when you’re dealing with malignant entitlement. If they’ll do it to someone else, they’ll do it to you. Bounced promises, douchebaggery, petty fraud. Schmoopie will learn in time.
Not even a day after I caught him she was pretty much living in my house, sleeping in my bed, etc. I don’t blame her, it’s a beautiful lake house with a boat.
Blame her. She’s got crap for morals, whatever lies he’s feeding her.
Don’t let the Instant Move-In rock your world. It’s a common move. How does your ex make his exposure as cheater work to his advantage? Legitimize the relationship! Hey, meet my new girlfriend! Declare the pick-me dance winner.
You didn’t know you were in a pick-me dance, but she sure did. Oh, here’s the house I have with my wife. Wouldn’t you like this life? Huh? Here’s me planning a wedding reception with someone who’s not you.
They’re both choosing that toxic dynamic, and you removed yourself. You win.
He is now just with her, living life like nothing happened, literally being a step-dad to her kid. He wouldn’t even take our fucking dogs on walks.
I’m doubtful that a man who cannot sustain a commitment during the literal honeymoon period of his life will go the distance with a toddler. I’m sure he feigned interest in your dogs once too. And you as well.
He barely helped around the house, he was a narcissistic, alcoholic, gaslighting asshole. I’m just wondering, is it possible he just truly loves her and never loved me?
If he’s a narcissistic, alcoholic, gaslighting asshole he doesn’t love anyone. Well, maybe tequila.
People are of use to him. You ceased to be of use. He needs another dummy. Don’t ascribe intent — he had to scramble to reorder his life. That’s not “love,” that’s cover.
Or is she just an easy, instant gratification, ego boosting kind of thing? How can someone just move on after 12 years, marriage and dogs and act like you don’t exist?
Easy. He was never truly invested. He just acted like he was.
Yes, even with the wedding and the wedding planning and the shared history. It’s a high wire act, and these freaks, in my experience, really love the thrill of getting away with something. That’s the high that keeps them bonded — the shit you don’t know about. Like keeping a job so you can continue to embezzle the pension fund. Or keeping a wife so you can fuck around on her. He loves the power.
Lose the power? Buh-bye. Time to recreate some world in which he can be the puppet master again.
Is that cynical? I’ve literally read millions of these stories. And I lived my own. No, it does not hurt him to hurt you.
So don’t waste one feeling of emotion on him.
We don’t talk, it’s been two months and I hear from my friends and in-laws that he is trying TO INTRODUCE HER?
Don’t talk to your ex in-laws and tell the friends not to report to you about him. It’s his train wreck, let him crash it. Stand clear. NO CONTACT.
Doggycamqueen, I’m sorry after all that investment, you didn’t get the future with the man you imagined he was. He has his lies, his financial peril (discovery with your lawyer will be so much fun!), his Schmoopie.
You got the dogs. And one of them exposed your ex! You’re the winner here.