The Condescension of Other Women
An alert chump sent me this article from the Daily Mail (hey, it’s where the craziest infidelity tidbits come from!) about an OW who thinks the wife should “thank her” for making her cheater a “better husband.”
By finishing with Matt, a married father of a little boy, I was setting him free to be the good husband I knew he could be.
This wasn’t done out of a sense of guilt or propriety: I’d been sleeping with Matt before and after his marriage. I did it for the sake of his son, who deserved his father’s full attention, and I did it for Matt.
I sensed he was finally ready to put his indecisive, philandering ways behind him and devote himself to his family.Though sad to see him go, I didn’t regret my decision. I’d always seen our time together as a loan which eventually would have to be called in. And that’s why I never had any regrets about deceiving his wife.
Yes the chump wife should shake the OW’s hand for setting that husband on the straight and narrow. You know, after fucking him during their entire relationship. Also she’s 17 years older than he is and the affair goes on for 12 years. More than likely, he’s traded her in for a younger piece of ass. But she apparently believes he’s going to grow up now and be faithful. Because she “released” him. Can’t imagine he would have any OTHER OW now can we?
In 2009, I knew, from the scant information I received from him that Matt had started seeing someone seriously and they’d moved in together.
I was surprised he still wanted to carry on with our arrangement. I could see what I got out of it, but why was he keen to keep seeing me when he had a girlfriend at home?
His answer was simple: ‘I just need to.’ I saw that as a sign of his immaturity and unwillingness to commit. Thank God I’m his mistress, not his partner, I thought.
The relationship did have its pauses, sometimes for several months, as Matt dithered over the direction his life was taking. It was during a break in 2010 that I received a text that he’d married his girlfriend.
He’d never even told me they were engaged, but in my heart I wasn’t surprised. I knew it was what he wanted, though I didn’t have high hopes for the future of his relationship. Part of me felt sorry for the poor woman.
And there we have it, folks — the condescension. I swear I can’t read anything written by OW without the inevitable pity for the poor chump married to the guy. Shock. Horror. Why does she take him back? She’s a joke! I’m the one he dreams about really, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, it’s the Daily Mail, and they know their readers’ opprobrium will result in more page views (you should see the comments telling her off), but OW sites actually LINK to me and I read the same stuff there. The most recent one was some forum on LoveShack for people in extramarital relationships. (WTF? It appears to be a board about relationships, and I guess the editors have elevated fuckbuddies to the status of Legitimate Relationship You May Wish to Tells Others About.) Same deal — what does he see in HER? (the wife). She’s such a fool!
Is it hypocrisy? Projection? (I’m not pathetic, YOU’RE pathetic!) Do they tell themselves they are serving some Higher Purpose (in the Daily Mail’s case — improving his marriage… snort) so it’s all okay? Oh no, I’m not being used! Eyes wide open here!
Or is it sour grapes? The cheater returns to his wife, and the OW thinks “Why would she take him back, can’t she see he’s a cheater? A loser?”
Hey, OW — a public service announcement.
1) Your disdain for your cheating married man is ridiculous. YOU are a cheater. That loser that you pity the wife for being saddled with? — that’s the guy you wasted your life on, hanging out for hurried fucks, waiting for his furtive texts. Don’t pretend you’re above it — you devoted a lot of yourself to that loser. Traded your dignity for sleazy sex with the idiot. The wife? She had every reason to devote herself to him — she doesn’t know you EXIST. And once she discovers you exist? That’s HER business to contend with, not yours.
You’re going to judge her for her poor choice in partners? Bitch please, you CHOOSE the SAME GUY. Only he put a ring on it with the wife. That’s the one he’s seen in public with, and you’re the dirty secret. She doesn’t KNOW he’s a cheater. You DO — and yet YOU CHOOSE him over and over and let him fuck you, because apparently you’re not very discriminating.
2) Yes you got used. You think you were using him for sex? It was all very mutually gratifying and no one gets hurt? Bullshit. You hurt the chumps in this equation and you stole from them. And as much as I don’t care for you, you stole from yourself. You robbed yourself of the opportunity to love someone honestly and above board. Your self esteem is such that you accept this second-hand, used goods status, and then you want to dress it up as sophisticated and all-knowing? You can’t put lipstick on that pig. He uses you, you’re not special. You want proof of that? He goes home to a wife. And probably other OW too.
3) You are not enlightened. You are not part of the universal sisterhood. You aren’t a credit to our gender. You’re a throwback to an unenlightened age where men are this Valuable Resource without whom we have no economic or social status. So we must compete for them, by any means necessary. Lie, steal, cheat, spread your legs, do anything — all so that Important Man Chooses You.
Yeah, you want to dress this shit up like you don’t need a man. You just extract the best from him and leave the drudge work to his wife. You want us to believe you’re some femme fatale, the one he really thinks of, the all powerful seductress.
If you’re so all powerful and irresistible, what are you doing on a hook up site? Why are you poaching from the Taken pool? I mean, with super powers like yours, gosh, you could have any available man, right? So why not test that shit out in the open market place? Why the secrecy and the life half lived in the shadows?
You are not powerful. You demonstrate the most mortifying kind of weakness — desperation.
You want to project that desperation on to married women? Well you’re right. They are desperate after they find out about you. Their entire world, What They Thought They Had, crumbles. They have deep investments. Children. Mortgages. Shared years together. Family. In the beginning, yes, they usually are desperate to hold all that together and hold on to their husbands.
But here’s the difference between you and them — they kick ass. In time they do the thing you can’t do — they stand up for themselves. They demand better. They go it alone. They survive and rebuild. They ARE a credit to their gender.
You feed on the carrion of that dead marriage.
And you have the nerve to condescend to US?
I read the letter and kept thinking “Could this really be true Does this woman really believe what she is writing” ” I set him free”. No he dumped your aging ass I’m figuring he must be oh about 30 something (or older ) which makes you 50+. And yes he picked up a younger fool to replace her. Great answer CL you nailed it
BRAVO CL!! Wish I could of sent this to OW, a “friend” after DDay, instead of all the pitying emails and texts I sent her.. uhrrr, she occupied way too much space in my head. Now, she’s just not worth it..
Thank you.
Chump Lady – I am having to cleanse my soul now! I had to read the full article, which meant lowering myself to read the Daily Mail. Urgh, I am hard at it with the metaphorical soap & water!
Do you know what though, I do feel sorry for her. She is totally delusional. She says early on in the article that this despicable Matt character gave her the “‘You’re 17 years older, so nothing long-term is going to happen. Let’s just enjoy it for what it is, for as long as it lasts.” line, which we all know means “I’m just going to keep fucking you, because you let me and there appear to be no strings attached”. She also admits that she fell in love with this piece of excrement. She then goes on to say that she believes that their relationship was more than just fucking (even though he didn’t bother to share the momentous news of his marriage) and finally concludes that she was his fairy god-mother.
I’m sorry, but anyone who actually believes the guff that she wrote is so seriously deluded as to be bordering on insanity. Everyone who reads the article will know that as far as the delightful Matt was concerned, sleeping with her was easier & cheaper than sex with a hooker.
I genuinely pity her, which I imagine is the last thing she’d want.
I agree. She’s delusional, but it’s like narcissist delusional. I’m Really A Very Important Person in His Life! No, His MARRIAGE! He Owes It All to ME.
Yeah, it’s many sandwiches shy of a picnic.
Definite narcissism working there. Wow! I should be astounded, but you know what? I’m not.
Before OW blocked me from Facebook, I read a post of hers on STBX’s Facebook wall, something to the effect of what a good influence she’s been on his life. I, of course, had to say something to STBX about how inappropriate that was, did I have anything to worry about, etc. (he lied and said no, but I already knew of the affair by that point). But while her post hurt me like hell, I was also struck by the irony of the whole thing. She’s been a good influence? He’s lied and cheated in his marriage–that’s a good thing?
So the delusional is there.
And of course what’s further delusional is that she thinks that she’s taught Matt to be a better husband and father. No, sweetie, sorry. Matt has another tail–this time someone who’s a bit younger. His wife? She has kids. Matt needs extra “me” time, since he’s been displaced as the child in the household. This time, he’s found someone who’s younger than a woman in her 50s, good for a quick fuck whenever he feels like it.
So yes, lady, you are a loser in this relationship. So is the wife, for whom you feel sorry in a condescending sort of way. I feel sorry for her, too, because she has a loser of a husband. The kids? Their father is a fuck-up.
So far, the only real winner is Matt. But one day, the karma bus will stop by, and he’ll discover that the true price of all those side pieces involves child support and retirement.
Oh, and I feel sorry for her kids, too. Their mother is a real fucked up narcissist. Where were her children in all of this?
Narcissistic delusion = HUBRIS!
You’re going to judge her for her poor choice in partners? Bitch please, you CHOOSE the SAME GUY. Only he put a ring on it with the wife. That’s the one he’s seen in public with, and you’re the dirty secret.
LOL.
[while shaking head]
“The stories people tell themselves so that they can continue to get up in the morning ….”
A-freaking-men.
The only OW I feel pity for are the ones who are as blind about the truth of the men they’re involved with as the women they are cheating on, the ones who’ve been told he is free, single and interested in love and a relationship.
All the rest, the ones who know and freely steal another woman’s sense of dignity and peace of mind… crawl back into your cesspool. Or take the POS cheater after the chumps are done with them. Fool yourself into believing you have won a prize.
I know my ex’s OW feels as though she’s the winner and I think I will always feel some type of disdain for her, although I know it’s really my ex is really the bigger problem. I actually feel some compassion towards her now as she is very disordered. Her father was a philanderer, her own husband dumped her for a much younger woman(yes, she was a chump too) then after that she had an abusive relationship, and now she’s with my ex who is a cheater too. She tells my 2 young adult daughters that ” all men cheat”, she’s on several anitdepressants and is a functioning alcoholic, to boot. So, I see a very damaged and disordered woman who is stuck in the same pattern and if she thinks she’s going to be happy with my ex, then she better just keep on drinking! I have realized he’s a narcissist who cares only about himself, is not able to have real connections and every thing he does is to create an image-nothing is ever real! I have also realized that the reason my marriage broke down was because I was coming into myself and healing my own issues and seeing through the facade. I think my ex knew it and panicked as he was going to be found out for the hollow shell he really is. He just continues on in the same fashion as always and I on the other hand have found myself again, and am leading an authentic life with much more meaning and value than anything material or external. So, I think she deserves everything she gets, and doesn’t get, but at the same time I wish her well and hope at some point in her life she will heal and have a chance to find what she really needs.
“I was coming into myself and healing my own issues and seeing through the facade. I think my ex knew it and panicked as he was going to be found out for the hollow shell he really is.”
I feel similar. I was repairing my FOO issues, I had recently retired early (to devote more time to my family–I believe this was the catalyst that freaked out my much younger husband), changes were happening. I expressed frustration with our communication. He’d say he was unhappy. I even brought up divorce not really wanting it because of our child but I was so frustrated with him (just how I had been dismissed for so long as far as communication or anything I was upset about. I sometimes feel like maybe he freaked and when the opportunity came for his betrayal he on some level wanted to punish me for bringing that up, but more likely he was just grabbing what he wanted for himself.
I am WAY older than him. I kind of don’t like when people make age the issue though. Relationships, good and bad are what they are. We were together sixteen years. I worried about the future with me aging more quickly but people my whole life said I looked way younger than I was. He at one point had said he wanted more kids. I said I wouldn’t stay in his way. Though I didn’t want to, I said I’d release him because of our ages. I feel like I was being reasonable and unselfish and he said no, no everything’s okay and I was secretly relieved. I figured we would stay together then and I’d keep trying to work it out. Then he pulled the rug out from under me several months later.
Who are these Man-Childs that can’t understand the words coming out of their own mouths?!??!?!?!?!? Grow up, figure out what the fuck you want and stop making us pay for your lack of knowing your head from your ass!!!!! (Sorry, hit nerve)
And yes, I know there are very very decent men on this site.
I think this article is helping me forgive myself for having such rage at the OW. I was trying to tell myself that my anger at her was just displaced anger at my soon to be ex. But my anger at him is so intermingled with sorrow and loss and dissappointment and fear and indignation and disgust. With her, it’s just more pure. Just anger. I haven’t gotten to pity yet.
Heather – I hear your pain. You’re on the right path. {{HUGS}}
Finally, a post that shows OW for the desperate, pathetic losers that they are. And So well articulated. Yes, OW actually LET these guys two-time them, as opposed to the wives who simply don’t know. And how true that OW pull from the bottom of the barrel (married men) because they can’t get a single guy. Parasites! And that is why they are usually uglier, dumber, and less successful than the wives, because they are also bottom of the barrel. No decent, self-respecting woman would date a married man. And, anyone who says that OW are not at fault in affairs is full of shit. OW know what they’re doing and that they are hurting innocent people (the spouse and usually kids). Just because someone else is doing something worse (the cheater, who is betraying the spouse), that doesn’t absolve the OW. Like a getaway driver in a bank robbery, OW are the accomplices to the murder of a marriage. No pity here, none at all.
I think it is very hard to have pity for people who are so OPEN about their choices and their utter lack of compassion for chumps (their own, their cheater’s spouse).
I do actually feel sorry for many OW who were chumped (unknowing OW). I think buy similar lines of bullshit that cheaters spin — they’re separated, for instance. They get love bombed, they’re insecure, unsure of their worth. They buy the lies. Believe the guy who is too good to be true.
But the ones that know — and worse, the ones that publicly advocate for being an OW? And taunt the wife and bad mouth her? These people are POS. It’s a whole other height of dysfunction.
The long-term OW in my story was very aggressive. Said she felt no remorse. Had her “eyes wide open.” She harassed me, signed me up for spam, political campaigns (I don’t agree with), dating sites, cyberstalked me. A very chilling, fucked up, menacing person.
In retrospect, yeah, I still think she’s a POS. I also think she must be a very sad, pathetic person, truly ill, to keep going back to that guy. And I do feel some compassion for her. I can afford that — at great distance. She had ZERO compassion for me. None.
It looks like this woman was also chumped by her XH–he left for the U.S. with a coworker, leaving her behind with 2 young sons–so I’m sort of surprised that she was willing to be an OW, knowing first-hand how much pain and destruction affairs cause.
I love you ChumpLady. Don’t know you, but you have single handedly given me the strength to choose myself. This first week past Dday has been the worst of my life, but every time I started feeling weak, I’d come here and gain strength. I’m sitting in the airport right now, waiting for my last connection home. I walked away. Done. But, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it with out the knowledge I’ve found here. Thank you.
Oh, Yes, RNE! So glad you found your way here so soon!
THIS kind of ‘love-bombing’ is good…..
This knowledge implemented is good…..
Chump Lady and the other chumps here have so much pure, true love to give! Soak it all in!
Forge on, RNE, forge on!….
Hang in RNE, such terrible days, I am 2 years out and it does get better….really….but I shudder when I think of those days. This site was my lifeline. I wish for you that the days to Meh go quickly.
You found the right place RNE! Keep reading, stay strong, and CONGRATULATIONS!!
RNE,
Hang in there. Things will get better. The moments of weakness are your humanity coming through in a truly awful situation. I admire your ability to seek out the appropriate help and get yourself out of there so soon. You are sure to succeed.
-LilyBart
Hey RNE — welcome! Glad you found us. Safe travels and stay strong!
RNE You go girl!!!!
Heather
I couldn’t agree with you more, especially the anger at the ex, but pity for the OW don’t really think I can ever get to that.
In my case the OW pounced when I had to leave (we lived in China at the time and I had to return to the UK for what was to be a few months, but due to unforeseen circumstances turned out to be longer). She started love bombing him, moved into our apartment and when I would talk to my ex on Skype for 2 – 3 hours each day she would hide in another room. How could I ever feel pity for that. Oh and to add, she also used my personal things, my hair dryer, my skin products etc. ugh just disgusting.
I must have missed it somewhere, but a lot of people use the term “love-bombing”. Can you tell me exactly what the means?
Somebody posted a link about it. I can’t remember who it was so I apologise I can’t name you. But I found it enlightening as it exactly describes OW.
http://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/cunning-and-manipulative/i-love-you/seducing-and-love-bombing/
This! The best and most accurate explanation of my relationship. I knew I wasn’t all that interested but he love bombed me alright. Just like this explanation. And we were engaged within 5 weeks. I remember his dad telling my parents on their first meeting that A(for arsehole) always had a way of getting what he wanted. But even then I suspected he didn’t actually want me. There were conflucting signs all the time. Young and dumb….but then I don’t know if I’m any older and wiser.
Sandy,
“Love-Bombing” refers to the manipulative practice that many cheaters employ to keep chumps and OW hanging onto them. It can occur during an affair, to keep their partner from suspecting what they’re up to (“no, he can’t be having an affair, he’s sooooo loving and kind”), or after, to keep a Chump or OW on the hook so they can keep getting their ego kibbles and all involved in the practice of the “Pick ME Dance.”
Classic narcissism…give just enough false emotion to get what they want from the ones they are manipulating. When chumps don’t fall for it, or go No Contact, love bombing often soon turns to anger and rage.
From the “Bitchslap” column at McSweeney’s.com: “Women Beware Women.” It’s been around awhile, but worth re-reading on this topic:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/column-5-women-beware-women
Great stuff, for instance:
“That’s the special talent of the other woman: to make utter moral failure and spiritual betrayal look like an exciting new summer movie. Flashy! Fun! Dramatic! Sexy! Also cheap, performed in the dark, and forgotten about within hours of leaving the theater, but still—what a thrill ride!”
My OW was a married coworker, a former grad student of my husband’s. I read in my ex’s journal that that he loves giving her clothing and jewelry…yes folks, he is HER BOSS. She travels everywhere with him then goes home to her husband and two small children. She is a whole ‘nother kind of messed up person wrapped in an “I’m so great look at my picture perfect family” kind of package. She sure rose up fast in his department for her age, can’t imagine why…
This is what I’d like to say to her — Congratulations! You two deserve each other. You think you’ve won but what I’ve gained is so much more — a life full of authenticity, love and peace.
Amen Lyn.
I really don’t like to waste my time thinking about what the cheater is after when they become involved with someone who is married but I can tell you that I firmly believe that they have very little respect for themselves. In my case, apparently my husband told the OW that he would NEVER leave his wife or children for her. That information comes from her not my husband. She likely romanticized that notion. She was basically a piece of ass and was his kibble supply. She was fully aware of that and was okay with it as she continued this way for 5 years. I finally had enough of feeling like an option, asked him to leave and to give me a divorce and now she is living with him. He begged me to take him back for a few months, all the while talking to her and seeing her before he finally gave up and asked her to come live with him. Apparently because he needed someone to do his laundry and cook him meals. You know…….he needed another mother figure!
The cheaters have zero empathy for others (including each other) and maybe even think this kind of relationship is all they deserve. I don’t know how other chumps feel but I almost feel somewhat bad for the cheaters because they lack the emotional ties to the people in their lives who loved them the most. What a waste. It’s really pretty sad. I know my husband lost out big time. I loved him very much. I would have done anything for him. I thought more of him than I should have and likely more than she does. He lost the respect of his children. His cheater partner will never be what I was because she doesn’t have a moral compass and they will likely never feel secure in their relationship since they have both seen what they are each capable of. And it is sad that they will settle for this.
Not my problem. My favorite saying…………”You can’t fix stupid”! However they twist it in their minds to make it “right” is for them to live with. My guess is, they will live unauthentic lives full of doubt and insecurities. I’m glad I stepped away from CRAZY and hope to find true love somewhere in my future!!!!
Kimmy,
Your second paragraph:
“I don’t know how other chumps feel but I almost feel somewhat bad for the cheaters because they lack the emotional ties to the people in their lives who loved them the most. What a waste. It’s really pretty sad. I know my husband lost out big time. I loved him very much. I would have done anything for him. I thought more of him than I should have and likely more than she does. He lost the respect of his children. His cheater partner will never be what I was because she doesn’t have a moral compass and they will likely never feel secure in their relationship since they have both seen what they are each capable of. And it is sad that they will settle for this.”
sums up a lot of how I feel too. Even if I’m hard to live with and all my faults are hard too, if he’d come to me first and we could have tried to iron out our lives withough involving these other women… We could have given our children and ourselves a probably, mostly happy life. Acrimony, sure. Arguments, sure. But I’d take acrimony and arguments over having my life and the lives of my children and all of our futures shattered and amputated and have to figure out how to go through this life functioning without our family intact. I don’t want a divorce, I never did. My children are 7 and 5 and think he hung the moon. I’m heartbroken for them. But he is a serial cheater, a narcissist, and totally delusional. And I can’t keep ignoring that.
I have ZERO pity for the OW. In my case, she didn’t know during their 3 year affair that my H was married..he lied to her from day 1 saying we were divorced. However, once I found out and confronted her (via phone..luckily not in person because I would have punched her) she said she was done with him. That lasted less than 2 weeks. She went right back to the man that lied to both me and her for 3 years; and to the man that abandoned his wife and children. What a prize! She won! Woot woot! One dysfunctional loser hooking up with another dysfunctional loser. You go girl! And don’t tell me that every day, somewhere deep down inside, that you won’t have a little bit of suspicious regarding my H..because if he did it to me AND our children, what makes you think you’re immune, girlfriend?? Right now they are so in looooovveeeee and meant to be together; and I hope that they crash and burn. Started off their wonderful relationship with lies, continuing their relationship even with those lies. Tell me how they can be so in love, again?
Thank you, CL, for this edifying epistle. I usually don’t share stories, but will here. In my very first contact with a sparkly N/cheater, I was in my late teens and didn’t know what hit me. Nothing was ever clearly defined but I guess you could call it a relationship. The only thing I knew after the dust had cleared was that his behavior was repulsive and he was to be reviled and avoided. Many years later, an acquaintance — call her Miss Preen — was VERY proud to be dating this now-widowered, disordered individual and was flaunting it to the world. From how she was behaving towards me, I sensed that he must have told her that I was still pining for him or something equally untrue and flattering to the N. I was wowed by her “I got the prize that you didn’t” aura. If she got serious with him, I knew she was going to regret her choice, but simply kept my distance said nothing. Mutual friends who sensed that this guy was not right asked me for my opinion. I told them without editorializing. Concerned for the welfare of their friend, they said “would you be willing to tell that to Miss Preen?” I said I didn’t think she’d believe me and would do so only if she specifically asked me, which she never did. Well, in spite of warnings from other corners (including from the best friend of the disordered N) she married Mr. Sparkle. One child and domestic abuse episodes later, they are divorced and living on separate continents. Sometimes people just have to learn in their own way, on their own time.
I am sitting here right now crying and feeling so much pain both physically and emotionally. This world is so full of people that are so full of themselves. I can’t even fathom how these people sleep at night. Just when I think I can move forward and maybe trust again, I read about all the people out there that think this is no big deal. It just really makes me recoil and feel like……WTF! And why do I even bother. It’s a scary world we live in. I don’t know if it’s any worse than before, or if the age of computers has amplified it. Somedays I just want to take myself out of the equation altogether. Find a cabin in the woods and hermitize myself. I have gone from a really social person to a social scaredy cat. I keep pushing myself. But then I take a hard look around, and all I can seem to see is a bunch of selfish people. Disordered thinking seems to be epidemic. I am so lost…..so confused and have lost my eternal optimism. I now realize I was living in a fantasy bubble. And now it burst and reality hurts like a MOFO……
Happily, there are so many good people out there, they just aren’t our exes, or the people at the Daily Mail. Look at all the chumps on here, we are people who would never betray our spouses or children, people who have doing the right thing engrained in our DNA– not because it’s right but because we’re honest and loving and true.
It is no wonder we all aren’t bitter (and that is certainly a stage), but this experience helped me to define who I am and what I stand for, and to realize there are others out there that are the same.
And that there are people out there that absolutely ROCK! Like CL and our chump nation.
I think there’s sooooo much glorifying of cheating in online media. Just because that’s what gets covered the most doesn’t make it the best representation of how people truly feel or act. I swear Huff Post is the worst. I think the only thing worth reading on that site is CL. Lately I’ve been bored and reading a lot of yahoo articles. I’ve been very surprised at the comments underneath articles about recent cheaters in the media (Lamar Odom, Robin Thicke). The comments predominately call it like it is. They’re very anti douche bag and pro victim in the situation. So I guess what I’m saying is that there’s way too many “writers” lately who present the pro cheating side but I think far far far more normal people who don’t subscribe to that view.
Nothing wrong at all with moving to a cabin in the woods — I did. A total change of pace and scenery. Out here, one gas tank away from a major city, the men do Men Jobs – logging, fishing, farming, dairying, mechanic-ing, construction. They are dirty and they stink and the end of the day. REAL WOMEN have partnered up with them long term, and by and large the Romance Novel Heroines aren’t interested.
I’m not looking for another man out here — I just love living a life most people would consider Borrrrrrrr-ING! Nobody calls upon me anymore to participate in their life dramas and I couldn’t be happier about that.
Good for you CL! I dream about it all the time. Or life on the road…..working my way towards just that! Time for me, and if I meet someone along the journey. All the better.
Life on the road — I thought about that, but I had still had teenagers at the time the marriage blew up. Now I’ve got dogs and geese and chickens to take care of.
But I love what these gals do: http://www.sistersonthefly.com/
If you feel upset, look at the comments on that article. 99% of people revile her. I don’t think her story sits well with others. A fucked up minority, yes. But don’t despair. Yes there are many disordered jerk in the world. There’s also a lot of wonderful people.
I know…..good things come to those who wait. Right? My impatience will be the death of me. I am not getting any younger and my health is not the greatest. Why I wasted 30 years with a man who I knew deep down inside was never faithful to me, I will never understand. Living with my blinders on, and him going deeper into compartmentalizing his life. Yes, I found out before and took the asshole back after counseling and promises. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Learning to forgive myself for being such a chump. I really wanted to leave a vile response on that article and then realized……What would that get me? I am guessing she seriously feels no remorse and isn’t even capable of it. and then the trolls…..whole different bunch of disordered there. Takes a pretty fucked up individual to think that way. I’ll keep my eyes and heart open. Thank you for this daily support group.
Thanks, CL. I feel so much better now.
Such arrogance! It never ceases to amaze me the arrogance of cheaters and their cheating partners. In the end, though, they are just pathetic. Their reality isn’t reality. This article makes that painfully obvious. This OW is living in a pathetic fantasy world.
From a male perspective: what I encountered with my ex’s infidelity and divorce was that people tried to blame-shift to me for her choices. It’s an old fundamentalist assumption: The man is always in control of the marriage as the “head of the household.” So, a marriage could only end if he screwed up BIG TIME in loving her well enough! It was judgmentalism from a bunch of ignorant, religious bigots. As if an adult can actually control another adult’s choices! The connection here is the projected–I’m safe because I am a good husband and this would never happen to me, you pathetic chump messaging. Honestly, I don’t care about what the OM thought of me…only a foolish person cheats with a married person.
“So, a marriage could only end if he screwed up BIG TIME in loving her well enough!”
Women get this line too. Wifey isn’t sexing him enough or adventurous enough. I’m no prude but stbx OW was a fetish…not into fetishes. He was attracted to her skin color and in some sick way and perceived misconceptions about her race. A covert racist…good enough to sex but not marry….and I ain’t letting no one go up my rear end.
She went into it willingly.
Yeah, I see it in the literature as a broad paint-brush…maybe with slight nuances for each gender but the basic idea is there. It is so frustrating how the world is so dense as to not perceive we each are responsible for our OWN choices. Choices may be easier or harder depending on circumstances but that doesn’t erase the fact a choice was made.
Sorry to hear about the pain…doesn’t sound like your stbxh respects women in general. Still isn’t a nice way for that to get exposed and then to get blamed on top of that! Sick.
You are right, he does not respect women…starting with his mom. You live and learn.
What’s the hardest to deal with is those guys who hate women but hide behind a super facade of being pro-feminist. My ex’s words said he loved strong women and was very pro woman power etc. But HIS actions…..um yeah. His actions said use and abuse. And yes, issues with mommy. But man he took a while to reveal his real self.
That’s the biggest red flag I instructed my daughter about. The mom issue. Whether he flat out detests her like my ex or is over-cowed and obsequious in his dealings with mom.
That and looking for a shoulder to cry on instead of engaging in big boy conversations. I wish I had known. I was such a naif.
Hope I don’t offend anyones sexual or mate preferences.
My stbx had a long term tryst with his OW. She was always there ready to sooth his beaten brow and become a dumping ground for his problems and porno sex. Like the jerk in the article he made no promises for marriage. What kind of woman sells herself so cheap? In the end she lost out big time.
He is embarrassed for anyone to ever know what she looks like, who she is and what eventually lead to the destruction of his family, my family. But this woman gave up years of her life, children she desperately wanted, and her marriageable years for cheap motels, car sex, and meals at Denny’s with a CHEAP aging old fart. She was never good enough to wife up or be considered to carry any man’s offspring.
With all of the pain she caused me, she did me a big favor by exposing his philandering. Little did she know she wasn’t the only one, and was heartbroken he would do that to her….
I know that my husband’s OW believes that she is lucky that he “picked” her even though he would have continued eating cake as long as I kept the bakery open! She doesn’t look at it like she was the other option because I no longer wanted to continue with three people in our marriage. He has money and can provide a better material life for her than she was getting from her husband or marriage. That is what she is in it for. While money made our lives easier and I will now have to live differently, I am far better off not feeling used or disrespected.
His OW called me once, left me a message stating that my husband had become a very good liar as she found out that he had been lying to her as well. I called her back. I left her a message stating that she was no better……she was and had been lying to her husband and three children for years as well. That’s what happens when you are a cheater. Funny how she didn’t see it that way!!!! Delusional much!
Anyone who cheats has to justify their actions and that of their cheater partner in order for it to makes sense to them. This woman in this letter is happy to explain away her poor choices and lack of moral compass with the notion that she was helping him become a better husband and father. Clearly this makes absolutely no sense at all to any normal thinking person. Simply just excuses for poor behavior!
Ok, this just falls under the “So many idiots, not enough villages” category.
Love the brevity!
I don’t have a drop of pity for the OW that cheated with my husband. She knew full on that he was a married man when she started playing footsies with him. She had just gotten out of a long term marriage (25 years) and was SO desperate for a man she was chasing any married man that would look at her. I had two other married men tell me she went after them first before she settled her sites on my husband. He was the only one that fell for her ‘charms’ but he’s such a weak POS any woman that pays attention to him he just has to fuck.
I put curses on her and it looks like it worked. I’m not kidding I wish I could post a picture of her here. She is absolutely butt ugly. And she got FAT! Really Fat!! She hangs on to my EX with all her might because she knows there’s not another man on earth that would look twice at her ugly ass. She lives under a bridge and eats small children ugly.
I even asked my XH once…’you stick your dick in that thing?’ Gawd. She’s a double bagger for sure and I know he needs LOTS of Viagra to do it because I got the insurance print out.
I know it’s his fault completely but there has to be a Skank Woman on the other end who so willingly spreads her legs for a married man.
Before we get too carried away here, let’s not forget none of our husbands, wives, lovers or partners had guns pointed at their heads when they cheated. There were 100 moments when they could have chosen to stay faithful. They were the married ones.
I’m not an OW/OM apologist but in my opinion the cheater is always the one most at fault.
I agree — the cheater we married is the one at fault. We can be righteously pissed at the person/kibble dispenser they fell for — but our cheaters made themselves AVAILABLE.
As popular as it is, I tend to steer away from bash the OW posts. But here’s my exception — when they *glorify* being an OW. It’s not a point of shame or embarrassment or even self doubt — they trumpet their grandiosity. THEN I feel inspired to take that shit on.
Also, there seems to be a lot of false equivalency going on with OW (or the ones who link to me from their sites) — that they are on the side of the angels on this getting chumped thing. No, for OW it was a CHOICE. Horrors! He lied to you? Yeah, what did you expect? You knew he was a cheater!
There isn’t an equivalent for OM, because the gender politics are different. I don’t think men think women are a scarce commodity that has to be fought for. Some women do think this about men, and the revel in their “powers” to seduce married men. Their mistake is thinking that something about THEM makes them irresistible to pull the man away from his family, when the fact is he’s AVAILABLE. It’s no contest — it’s all about cake. OW seem very invested in the contest, in the pick me dance, way more than chumps.
There’s nothing to “win.” Except a guy who is going to pretend to commit and keep being available to anyone who’ll feed him kibbles and cake.
This story doesn’t get me angry because it is too weirdy to take seriously.
Sounds like the OW was a nurturing mother figure for the cheater-its sick and weird.
But aren’t most cheating stories weirdy, Janey?
I realize there’s degrees of weirdness, but in most cases my understanding is that cheaters are rarely blessed with a happily ever after.
In other words, a large percentage of cheaters are WEIRDOS!! They aren’t people who ultimately have healthy, happy relationships.
No its not that…
Its peculiar out of the norm, the OW is an oddball.
The guy was using her like an escort and there was very minimal attachment/emotional involvement between them.
Far from being desperate she comes across as strangely removed and aloof.
Oh, I see what you’re saying, Janey. Yes, I totally agree. Sorry for my misinterpretation. Thanks too for your reply.
My ExH is the booby prize. The OW’s don’t look closely enough to find that out. He chose OW’s who were as narcissistic as he is. They believed his lies and half-truths because it made them feel better about themselves. The fantasy that they were “the Picked One!” Good luck with that!
Gio, you took the words out of my mouth. It is his fault completely and there has to be a Skank (woman she is not) on the other end who so willingly spread her legs for a married man. (Boy I can take this one home to introduce her to mommy. NOT!) Although my idiot X did. Neither of them has any self respect or dignity. Neither can honestly hold their heads up with pride like we can. We have so much more compassion in our choices to not hurt others including our family. We do not accuse other people of mistakes. We have so much more common sense in knowing what is right or wrong morally. I’d say we are light years ahead of these dysfunctional cop-outs. THEY SUCK!!!!!!!!
I think some OW feel very special. I’m mean, how special can you be when you fuck someone else’s husband then said husband dumps his wife to run off to be with OW. My X’s OW was so coy and thrilled to our friends. I mean, look what she won! A man!! Someone else’s man no less!! She thought she was extra special! This is how they think. they don’t think they broke up a family or fucked somebody’s husband or committed adultery. They believe they are so very special.
Political correctness be damned. I firmly believe that there are far more women who will fuck your husband then the other way around because somewhere it got skewered that if you can get a man, you just won the lotto. Never mind if he was married to someone else when you ‘won’ him. The end justifies the means.
I can only hope that she gets exactly what she deserves. That someday she finds him fucking another Skank at the Econo Lodge. Then she’ll see how truly special she is. I just reread this and realized that she knows he’s had affairs on her already but she’s OKAY with that because after all, she has a man. He hasn’t left her for one of them yet and maybe he won’t. He’s getting a little long in the tooth.
The OW in my case was so thrilled with her ‘prize’ she was posting all over Facebook about her wonderful man & how happy she was days after I kicked him out & was still devastated. There was absolutely no shame for the pain she’d helped cause or consideration for my feelings. She was a work colleague of my husband & supposedly a friend of mine and at the time we had mutual Facebook friends.
While I lay the blame firmly on my STBXH I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating her for bragging about her ‘specialness’ so that people I barely knew approached me in the supermarket asking what had happened. Maybe one day I’ll get to pity…
I do not think I will pity the multiple OW since they KNEW my then H was married.
I almost went to the EA OW (a mutual work colleague to both of us), when exH and I decided to divorce… I wanted to tell her, he’s all yours. But I refrained.
I found out later that the week she found out we were divorcing, she was giddy, thinking she was the cause. Then she threw herself at my STBX, and she found out that nope, there was a PA OW, more than 10 yrs younger. hee hee. See what happens when you spend 5 years pursuing a married man?!
When I read this I had to read it again. I mean is this woman for real? The entire article is a lie to herself, because she must be feeling like crap, she had to over compensate. Or she is really a huge narcissist.
Can’t decide.
Although I am ashamed I read the daily mail and found this, glad I found the article. OW who are in the know are a different breed and we need to remember this.
I grew up surrounded by strong women who supported each another, so I have a hard time processing how these OW use and abuse their own kind. I don’t get it. I can’t imagine how they were raised.
Same with some men. I watched a reality TV show recently called “Vanderpump Rules” in which one of the guys slept with his best friend’s girlfriend and showed absolutely no remorse about it. The chump guy was crying, the cheater girlfriend was crying, and the OM was like, “Whatever. I can sleep at night.”
I see that same attitude with the woman in the Daily Mail article. It defies logic. The only thing I know for sure is to give people like that a wide berth. They live in a different world than the rest of us…
My gosh, the lengths to justify that being an OW AND being classy must be tiring. Self-deception knows no limits.
The woman who wrote this article sound like she is full on crackerville. Seriously mentally ill. Really, it sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder as she makes up reality. I think I am right about this. Either that, or the Daily Mail is making up letters to publish for marketing. I’m sorry that you had such as bad experience CL with the OW-that sounds terrible! So along with all the stress, you had nutter frightening you. I am glad you got through that!
“3) You are not enlightened. You are not part of the universal sisterhood. You aren’t a credit to our gender. You’re a throwback to an unenlightened age where men are this Valuable Resource without whom we have no economic or social status. So we must compete for them, by any means necessary. Lie, steal, cheat, spread your legs, do anything — all so that Important Man Chooses You.”
Here is an interesting little theory about how the “the universal sisterhood,” has been all but destroyed. Raises some interesting points….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO1ifNaNABY
No, I’m sorry but that was the most misogynistic piece of shit I’ve seen in a while.
Interesting opinion. I didn’t see the misogyny, but then I am of the opinion too many women don’t value themselves enough to have high standards and high expectations of men…that they get out there and “compete” for men (many of whom are obligated elsewhere) using their sexuality as one of their tools. Get to read about such all the time on here. Nope I don’t see much of a “sisterhood” anymore, and I’ve lived long enough to have witnessed the decline….
notyou- Did there used to be a sisterhood? I missed it. I was just reading Gillian Flynn’s book “Gone Girl” and one of the female characters (who is actually a psychopath) talks about this new phenomenon of the “cool girl”.
“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined , loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”
This is kind of the standard that my ex tried to push on me at the end as the norm. Bastard! Hey if there’s a supply of these kind of girls and you’re an idiot of course you’re going to think your wife is too much work. I wonder if my ex will just keep jumping around short term dating or if he’s still dumb enough to think he’s going to find this cool girl long term partner that doesn’t involve having to actually answer for his actions or give as much as he receives.
“Men actually think this girl exist. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. ….. I want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them.” -Yep, I hate those movies (Knocked Up comes to mind).
And further…..”And Cool Girls are even more pathetic; They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be.” Cool Girl is “basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain.” -Sounds like the OW up above.
And I love this part too. “How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you , he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women”” <—————OK, this last part is so what my ex did.
When I was younger there was definitely a little bit of the Cool Girl in me. But I never ever got anywhere near that line of messing with a married man. I can see how supply and demand works with my ex. If you're super unpicky and only care about having a hole to put things in then there is one girl after another that are amicable to that. Sometimes within your own friend group. Although I don't think it matters how available it is, a disordered cheat is going to cheat.
I read that book too and that part resonated with me because I realize that I tried to be “cool girl” for so long and was tired of it. Maybe that’s why my husband did what he did, I stopped being cool girl and became real girl and he just wanted something that doesn’t exist and no woman can maintain. I for one can say that, although I’m hurt, I’m so damn happy that I don’t have to try to be cool girl anymore,it’s exhausting.
RNE, it doesn’t matter who we are as women or men for that matter. Cheating is abuse and not ok. But it was hard to live up to that weird pressure for me at the end. I think that’s something a lot of Narcs do though, slowly pressure you into being something you’re not, slowly push your boundaries until you feel like you’re not you anymore and then continue to tell you how normal it is for them to expect you to be that way.
Hoodwinked. I sure would have liked to have seen that.
Ducks, I know it’s silly but sometimes I wish there were more women directors/writers who wrote what women are really like. I know media is not responsible for breaking or fixing everything but I think the character in “Gone Girl” is right in the sense that I’ve seen so many movies lately that show these immature nasty guys as being desirable and these women as just putting up with it. I HATED The Change Up and there was Olivia Wilde playing that “cool girl”. There are not a whole lot of role models for decent guys in movie or television.
One of my favorite movies is Seven Years In Tibet. It doesn’t necessarily have a good role model for women, but it shows how Tibetan culture values kindness in their men rather than the flashy alpha male look at me behavior of Brad Pitt’s character. I remember seeing that movie and thinking that I too would rather have kindness in a man. I also like Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut Whip It. It has a very subtle but awesome message about how to be treated as a women in Ellen Page’s character.
I can relate to the Cool Girl pressure – it can be difficult to be a real woman when it feels like you’re competing with “Cool Girls” all around.
There was a feeling of sisterhood in the seventies. The basic premise of feminism has been shunned in past decades (along with the anti-fashion).
I always knew this about me. I’ve never been attracted to my friend’s men or anyone else’s for that matter. Once you introduce me to your man a curtain comes down and he ‘is my brother.’ Unthinkable.
I’m single and on occasion I’ll see a handsome man at work and ask after him and someone will say that he is living with a woman. Okay he might not be married but he is ‘taken.’
Coincidentally I have many fabulous girlfriends, most I’ve since grade school. I’ve had my best friend since we were 11 years old.
The OW has never had a REAL female friend in her life. Sometimes we can smell a skank from 500 paces.
With all this ‘integrity,’ I’ll probably spend the rest of my life alone. So be it.
When I read this article I felt nothing but revulsion for the delusional creature.
She can dress it up any way she likes but the harsh reality is that she was nothing but an unpaid whore. Now that she has had her immoral ass dumped, she wants a medal for her contributions? Twelve freaking years?? That’s not admirable, that’s just a terrible waste of a big chunk of life. No amount of denigration will force her to come to her senses because, in all likelihood, she didn’t have any to begin with.
I always thought it was unfair that the other woman in my marriage just got to be his mistress and I had to divorce the bastard. That is, she gets shits, giggles, and vacations while I got bupkis. It was not exactly a free-wheeling good time getting him out of my hair and as for those “protections” that good men and women get from “marriage”, well, family law crapped all over that.
Then she married him.
That was dumb.
Yeah, well her turn will come. She’ll be divorcing him when the next her comes along.
I totally believe in “true love” and people getting what they deserve. You know what I mean?
I have to say that this woman is delusional. I think it takes a certain amount of delusional thinking to enter into an affair. The, “I’m special” and “I can show him how to live again” BS is delusional. I’m not into thinking much about the OW except to (kind of) feel sorry for her. I mean is this the best you can do? It must be. It’s sad that person who can cheat on their spouse seems like a good deal to another person. To me, it just speaks to their desperation.
And desperation is never sexy.
Ok, so far have only read the first statement about doing Matt’s wife and son a favour…I really can only hope someone does her the same courtesy one day. Ok, gonna keep reading now.
AWESOME!!! OW are just the pathetic distractions from the cheaters reality. They have no dignity and everyone sees it so they desperately try to cover it up with their sad stories of how desired and wanted they are. They have a whole set of their own issues that their inflated ego won’t let them admit too. Pa. The. Tic!
“You feed on the carrion of that dead marriage.”
Jesus God in heaven, that is the most brilliant sentence ever written.
CL,
It was actually through a Loveshack forum that I came to this site. A chump posted his situation on their forum, and they gave him quite a bit of support, including a link to this site. Other than that I know nothing of their site.
I have to admit that it was an interesting read into the mind of a whore. I knew there had to be a reason my ex took up with a whore. It was all in the name of education! She was “fixing” him for me and my sons! Silly me!
She’s just like all the rest of ’em – delusional and stupid. She got dumped when Matt finally moved his thought process from the small head to the big one. The fact that she contends she set him free is simply her way of coping with getting kicked to the curb.
She’s a narc – blames her kids for not being able to attract a normal man, says she set her lover free rather than admit she got dumped…wah wah wah. Never in the litany does she say, “it was my fault.”
It’s interesting in the photos of her – she wears a wedding ring.
We shouldn’t be surprised that the APs rationalize their unethical behavior, it’s the same shit the cheaters do. Delusion, they have it.
wow.
Whew, talk about a narcissist with delusions of grandeur. She “let him go” for the “sake of his son.” Why, she’s practically a saint!
“I was surprised he still wanted to carry on with our arrangement. I could see what I got out of it, but why was he keen to keep seeing me when he had a girlfriend at home?”
And she’s stupid, as well! It’s pretty obvious to ME why he was so keen to keep seeing her….. she was nothing but a cheap fuck! For all her elevating herself to some sort of lofty pedestal of condescension, she’s nothing but an aging piece of ass that the cheater used then tossed away for some fresher meat. He didn’t even bother to tell her he had gotten married, that’s how unimportant she was to him.
It makes me sick that this world is filled with narcissistic garbage like this woman. I feel sorry for the woman who married Matt, because he is a scum bucket as well. Why are there so many horrible people around?
So the son deserves the full attention of his parent, but the wife doesn’t deserve her husband’s full attention? And she wants to help the guy be a good parent, but not a good husband?
Anyhow, love your comeback CL. The OW was used and since she knew it and settled for so little, she was used much worse than the wife.
I cannot understand these women! The OW in my situation told me I needed to “grow up and get over it” via a facebook post. And her and my ex-in laws are trying to paint me as a lying, stealing, psychotic, unfit mother, to anyone who will listen. Including local police (who thankfully are not listening). I have never wished ill on anybody…until now.
At the grocery store today I caught sight of this bizarre headline: Tori Spelling stuck – she can’t leave her cheater because she has four kids and can’t take care of them on her own. Tori broke up her soul mates first marriage despite his kids. And she’s rich. Also strangely shocked by his behavior.
I do love the Tori Spelling story (sTori?). She wanted a cheater and yep, she got a cheater. He’s fresh out of sex rehab now. Hahahaha.
I’m awaiting this same thing to playout with Leann Rimes, who continues to act like a prize twat about her affair, etc.
As far as the numerous OW in my marriage? Most seemed to be ok being the casual side fuck. Most were young and single. Final one came along and was much more determined and needed it to be love in order to make herself feel better. Well, I kicked him out and now she’s with him. And he’s miserable. 🙂
OW (and OM) everywhere should read this!