Category: Universal Bullshit Translator

butt face

UBT: ‘Mark Is Fine’

Dear Chump Lady, After I kicked out my cheating ex-boyfriend Mark, he moved in with one of my best friends, Heidi, as a “roommate.” Yeah, …

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UBT: ‘He Played Me Too’

You guys won’t believe the letters I get from Other Women wanting my advice. I know, it’s like gnats wanting wisdom from a bug zapper. …

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butt face

UBT: ‘If You Need Me, I’ll Be There’

Hi Chump Lady, I got on the hopium and had a terrible fake reconciliation. After the most recent D-Day (two weeks ago tomorrow) — found …

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bullshit bird

Be Your Own UBT

The Universal Bullshit Translator bursts its sockets with pride to think it has spawned a multitude of other UBTs. You see them on the CN …

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planet narcissist

UBT: Cheating on My Husband Made Me a Better Mother

Who’s ready for another personal testimonial to the wonders of cheating? It brightens! It whitens! It dices! It slices! And it’s good for stubborn stains. …

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UBT: ‘My Dad Sucks’

How children feel about their cheating parents is a topic the Universal Bullshit Translator has rightly shied away from. My standard advice to chumps here …

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word salad

Your Best Word Salad, Please

I created this site not just to offer an alternative to the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, but to lampoon the pomposity of cheaters. And there is …

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wayward

UBT: ‘Shortcut to Happiness’

Dear Chump Lady, I could really use the Universal Bullshit Translator to determine if this is a genuine apology. We have an 11 year relationship …

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Jada Pinkett Smith Red Table

UBT: Jada’s ‘Entanglement’

To all of you who sent me Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table public service announcement for Reconciliation After Entanglement — the Universal Bullshit …

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UBT: “Your Cheating Spouse Is the Victim, NOT You!”

Oh hey, were we talking about DARVO this week? (Deny, attack, reverse victim offender.) Do I ever have a heaping pile o’ mindfuckery for you …

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Yeah, That’s Not an Apology

Today’s column is on Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. You know, those weak-ass apologies that upon closer inspection don’t really convey “sorry” at all. If you’re a chump, …

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UBT: Affair Sex in the Marital Bed Is Wrong?

Dear Chump Lady, I received this email from my ex after I confronted him about having sex with “La Pute” in our home. We were …

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UBT: Mother’s Day Wishes from the OW?

I got pinged over on FaceBook last week about an email a chump received from the Other Woman, telling the chump how she could be …

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UBT: He Blew Up the Marriage to Improve It

A submission here from “Deaun” to the Universal Bullshit Translator that was too fucked up to pass over. According to my counselor [the affair] was a …

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ego kibbles

UBT: ‘My Life Is Rich and Full’…. That’s Why I’m Stalking You

Dear Chump Lady, I got divorced several years ago, then remarried this last summer. I’m meh. Everything’s been great. I’ve been no contact for 3+ …

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butt face

UBT: “You’re the One True Love of My Life”

The Universal Bullshit Translator has been called out its quarantine and back to work. The background: A friend of mine was recently chumped by a …

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schmoopies

UBT: “Will Our Affair Survive the Lockdown?”

A few bazillion of you sent the Universal Bullshit Translator the Guardian’s “I’m involved with a married man. Will our affair survive the lockdown?” Penned …

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Voodoo doll

The OW Recommends a Self-Help Book

Hi Chump Lady! I wrote to you over the holiday’s, detailing how my cheating EX got cheated on by his mistress and how karma, completely …

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UBT: ‘It’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here’

Dear Chump Lady, My wife and I separated last year after she had a year-long affair with a colleague from work. Later on it had …

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UBT: “Blowing up the Marriage to Improve the Marriage”

A submission here from “Deaun” to the Universal Bullshit Translator that was too fucked up to pass over. According to my counselor [the affair] was a …

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