Category: Universal Bullshit Translator

Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘Sorry I Was So Lame’

Dear Chump Lady, I thought I had reached meh 3 1/2 years after D-Day till I received this email from FW the other day: blah …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: “Just Let Me Try”

Hi, Chump Lady, Three days after Christmas, my husband told me that our 18-year relationship was over, that he hadn’t been happy in years, and …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘You Should’ve Been a Better Husband’

Dear Chump Lady: Since my previous UBT experience was very informative and helpful, I thought I’d serve up another platter of sanctimonious cake speak from …

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Hopium

UBT: ‘It Has Not Broken Me’

Most of us understand being high on hopium, lost in the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. But a unicorn who polygraphed a Jesus-cheater-sex-addict? That’s some Pablo Escobar-level hopium. …

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Universal Bullshit Translator

UBT: ‘You Made Me Leave You’

Hi Chump Lady, Thank you for being there as a light post through this journey. My question is more of a request for some classic …

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mindfuck

UBT: ‘You Were So Perfect, I Had to Cheat’

Usually cheaters run chumps down and blameshift their affairs. You Weren’t Meeting Their Needs. You suck. They love you, but just not in that clandestine-hooker-profile-rent-a-room kind of way. …

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UBT: Brent Sadler’s Douche Solidarity

If you cut Brent Sadler, does he not ooze? Sadler, has-been war correspondent in search of relevancy, wants the world to know that #HeToo has …

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UBT: ‘My Ex Owes Me Money’

Dear Chump Lady, I found out my 40-year-old ex-husband was cheating on me with a 19-year-old in Feb. 2018, shortly after found out she was …

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respect

UBT: ‘Respect My Relationship with the OW’

Dear Chump Lady, I’ve been divorced from my lying cheating ex since January 2016 after I found out he was cheating on me with his client. …

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UBT: “My Handling of Your Situation Is Beyond Fault”

Dear Chump Lady, A family member is divorcing her serial cheater and is attempting no contact. Below is a recent email from her not-soon-enough-to-be-ex that …

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mindfuck

UBT: ‘Emotions at Many Times’

Hi Chump Lady, I was wondering if the Universal Bullshit Translator could help me translate this one. I was in a relationship for a year. …

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Ben Taylor

UBT: Narcissist Cheater Life Coach

Here’s a curious business plan: be a serial cheater, embrace your narcissism, and monetize that shit as a life coach. Ooh, where do I sign …

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shrink

UBT: Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity

Every crime needs an investigation. Not to worry, Inspector Esther Perel is on the case! And now you can be an amateur sleuth too thanks …

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UBT: ‘Accept My Truth’

Dear Chump Lady, My children, 4 and 7, and I had a talk the other day. I asked my son why he thought his parents …

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glorious asshole

UBT: The Sugar Daddy

New York magazine runs a feature called “Sex Diaries,” sort of like Penthouse forum but without the improving articles. Readers anonymously send in details of their …

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lying

UBT: How to Get Proof They’re Cheating

People send a lot of dumb articles to the Universal Bullshit Translator, so it takes a whole lot of stupid for the UBT to be …

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sadz

UBT: ‘I Am Feeling Sad About This’

Dear Chump Lady, I was wondering if I could donate some extra Lebkuchen for the UBT for this one? This is about the 4th (I …

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I am not defined by my relationship.

UBT: I Know My Truth

Dear Chump Lady, I am 6 months post d-Day. My husband of 40 years finally has a move out date and I am starting to …

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UBT: My Husband’s Craigslist Ad

The Universal Bullshit Translator (UBT) gets some weird submissions, but this one stood out. Chumpified shared her husband’s Craigslist ad. Or, excuse me, one of …

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Nice

UBT: ‘I Wish You Were Still Nice’

The Universal Bullshit Translator gets a lot of “It’s not what I did, it’s how you reacted” pitchforked into it. Blameshifting lays around in piles. Why …

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