Wife Is Cheating with Sons’ Soccer Coach
No one seems to care that his (now ex) wife is cheating with their children’s soccer coach. He wants to go to his sons’ games, but the affair partner is there.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m not the best storyteller in the world, but let me attempt to describe my situation and the events that led to where I am now.
Back in the Fall of 2022, a new soccer coach joined our club, taking over for the previous coach who had recently departed. Around the same time, my wife was transitioning into the role of team manager for both of my sons’ teams (elementary school ages). Things started off innocently enough, with them exchanging contact info as manager and coach. Over the next several weeks and months, my gut started telling me something was off.
We had several arguments where I suspected he was up to something or was interested in her as more than his team manager, but she denied it all and made excuses, i.e. ‘we have a good working relationship’. In April of 2023, I caught her ‘having lunch’ with him (assuming that’s what they were actually doing).
She again denied anything was going on.
In early June she was taking a trip for work and said her flight would be arriving ‘late’ on the day she was to return. I figured out that her flight actually arrived early that afternoon. When confronted, she admitted to being with him, but that they were working on ‘designing shirts’ for his soccer team. My gut was going crazy at this point, but I wanted to believe she was being honest, so I looked the other way. Finally in early July of last year, I looked at her phone and computer and discovered their Whatsapp conversation, as well as her browser search history. This confirmed the affair as well as the physical aspect of it.
Over the next several months I swung between anger and rage, doing the pick me dance, and everything in between. She refused to end the affair, but downplayed its significance and continued the lying, gaslighting, etc. In February of this year, she filed for divorce. I did nothing to stop the process and earlier this month we went through mediation and are now divorced. In addition, I’ve just begun the process of moving out.
He is still the soccer coach.
This obviously creates a less than ideal dynamic at soccer events. I’ve pondered options such as moving our kids to a different soccer club, but she won’t willingly go along with that plan and I’m not sure I want to put my kids through something like that.
I’ve gone to the soccer organization’s board of directors and exposed their behavior, but they refused to take any action, citing it as a personal / civil matter that they won’t get involved in.
Also, I’ve told a few of the other soccer parents, hoping that maybe they would rally to have the coach disgraced and removed, but that hasn’t happened.
I feel like a fool still attending soccer practices and games while tolerating this man’s presence. Not to mention watching my now ex-wife seem to thrive while being the soccer manager.
As much as I’m past doing the pick-me dance and misguided attempts at reconciliation, I can seem to shake the anger that stems from them conspiring against me for months and then just getting to carry on with seemingly no consequences.
How do I get to ‘meh’ with an affair partner who is involved in my families’ life as a coach / mentor to my kids?
Thanks for any words or advice you can offer!
Sincerely,
Chumped Soccer Dad
***
Dear Chumped Soccer Dad,
Ugh. You mediated a divorce while vulnerable. Rookie mistake. I wish you’d written to me sooner, because this is exactly the kind of situation that should’ve been foreseen and written into your custody agreement. It’s pretty common in these orders to have stipulations and timelines around introducing new partners (or old existing affair partners) to children.
Of course, such provisions are nearly impossible to enforce, because who wants to be the Schmoopie police, but at least you’d have a court order to back up your objections. Instead you’ve found that no one really cares about your heartache and you’re eating the shit sandwich of coexistence, so as not to further disrupt your children’s lives.
Let’s review your options.
Option 1: Withdraw
You could retreat and go no contact with your idiot ex and her affair-partner-now-boyfriend. Upside, peace for you. Downside, you’re deprived of time with your sons and supporting their sports interests.
I can’t weigh these things for you. But there are many other ways to spend quality time with your kids other than sitting on a cold folding chair making small talk with people who don’t give a shit about you. It’s not as if you’re going to be welcome in the soccer fold with the coach and assistant coach being your ex and her boyfriend. Other parents will want to ally with them. And if they have to hold their nose about the drama, they’ll do it. Their self interest trumps your broken heart.
Your kids are elementary school age. Do they even like soccer? Could you get them in other activities? It feels interminable but children’s soccer doesn’t last forever. This is a finite problem.
I give you permission to bail on your kids’ sports in favor of your mental health, if that’s what you need. Get someone else to do the drop offs and pick ups. Choose your moments. Maybe come to the final matches and skip the practices. Your kids will survive. I’m a Gen X-er and my parents never, ever devoted a single moment of their laissez faire lives to involve me in organized sports. (I also drank from hoses, walked to school, and played outdoors unsupervised for hours.)
Option 2: Coexist
You could also decide to eat the shit sandwich and coexist. Your (now ex) wife is cheating with (now dating) the coach. Chances are he’s cheating with other people as well. I really doubt this is his first or last fuck-a-willing-parent rodeo.
I feel like a fool still attending soccer practices and games while tolerating this man’s presence. Not to mention watching my now ex-wife seem to thrive while being the soccer manager.
You have nothing to feel like a fool about. Please internalize that. You loved your family. You fought to keep it together. That isn’t shameful. I’ve written a lot on this blog about how to deal with affair partners. Whether that’s coexisting at events, running into them, or having to share kids together.
There ARE consequences.
This is hard on your kids. Their whole world has been turned upside down and the price of admission to Mommy is to tolerate Creepy Coach Destroyer of Worlds. (Your cheating ex wife is also a destroyer of worlds, but a child’s love for their parents is primal. He’ll be perceived as the villain here if anyone is.) They might “like” him on the surface, and that might gut you — but remember they’ve been placed in a grossly unfair position. Be the sane parent. Model mightiness. You control that. The lust of coach fuckwits? Not so much.
Also, consider bringing a wingman to the soccer games. (I’m sure any number of Chump Nation folks would happily volunteer.) You too can play the mindfuck game. Unnerve THEM. Treat Coach Creepy with pity and disdain. She’s your problem now, Dude. Good luck with that.
Chances are he or she will be out late “designing t-shirts” again soon.
That really sucks! I would say as a male chump, focus on your friends as there may be a bond and understanding there that will help you get through this, most other people will not understand or care. Lastly, the soccer coach is an ethical and moral blackhole, he knew what he was doing and doesn’t care. He is the lowest form of male if you can call him that, he is scum, a choad, and a garbage human no matter how shiny he may be as a coach.
CSD – This is the shittiest of shit sandwiches. Step away.
You need to get as close to “no contact” as possible to begin to heal. Get your own therapist and build your new group of allies. Focus on your priorities (housing, work, parenting).
You’re the boss of your time with the kids and, in the absence of a detailed parenting plan, you can make that lovingly clear to your children. They will be relieved.
I would second the idea of bringing a friend along if you feel you must attend a practice or game. Definitely find out if they would like to branch out and do something other than soccer. Or perhaps there is another rec league they can join next season? If you don’t want to change up too many things on them right now, that’s fine. I definitely wouldn’t be hanging around to witness the XW and Dumbass making cow eyes at one another.
Good luck to you.
You cannot take your kids from soccer but I like the idea of introducing other activities/sports as who knows maybe they will naturally want to change and it will definitely fix your problem. Unfortunately these FWs are so focused on themselves that they are unable to show an inch of respect to the other parent. This level of delusion and self-centeredness amazes me
You know what’s a great facilitator for sports which mate-poacher coach-douche would probably never go anywhere near? Dance training. Furthermore, dance schools typically trip over themselves to get boys involved, offer scholarships, etc. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxOWVZzuZbA
I’m curious, what do your kids think? Do they know mommy is dating their coach? Do you talk with them about it? They’ll likely have feelings about it, but won’t bring it up if they think it will upset you. The one good thing, if your kids stay in soccer, the coach should change once your kids move on to a higher level. Btw, my ex had an affair with a soccer mom. The end of year party was something else, when I went to confront soccer mom & she ran away from me & drove off in her minivan (without her kids)…her husband had to come get them & that’s when I finally got to meet him & had an eye-opening chat with him. I’ve never seen them again since soccer ended. Maybe you will get as lucky too!
Trapped by love for your children. You can do this! Figure out what your soul can tolerate and do that. It’s been my 35 year journey to pick and decide what hill I want to die on. It’s always a tug of war. Follow your heart but if your mental health is slipping that is the tipping point. I did not attend my daughter’s graduation from her masters program because I would be trapped out of state with hostile family and no safety anywhere. My daughter actually did not care. All my struggle and she didn’t care. Ask your sons how they are doing. That might be the key. Stay mighty..It’s a marathon.
Seriously, the disregard they both had in publicly embarrassing your children — just awful. Kids know this is wrong.
They are both garbage people, and it’s easy for me to say, but — karma is on its way. The illicit shiny is about to wear off, at which point one or both will lose interest in the other. By that time, you will be happily enjoying a FW-free life, bonded with integrity to your boys.
After a big secondary school scandal intensified general local gossip, I learned that the pastoral seaside suburb I lived in was a hotbed of rutting cheaters. I spent most of my youth studying and working in glitzy metropolises where some of the cheating pigs– though still repulsive pigs– might at least be a little glam so it was really hard to wrap my head around the idea of all these pasty, bloated, bland married burbanites furtively bonking away.
I learned who was doing what to whom back in 2012. I can tell you it’s even cringier seeing those sorts get bloatier and blander after a dozen years. I don’t live there full time anymore so I get a real time lapse shock when encountering certain people.
I mean everyone ages but it’s really only funny if someone’s “brand” and fantasy of themselves was somehow hyper-sexualized. A while back I ran into a local single mom who had run through married douches like a dose of salts 12 years ago. I didn’t know this about her at the time but found she turned on me quite suddenly when I betrayed having (gasp) values in this regard. She was never a real beauty but had been fit at one time. Now she looks like something that crawled from under a rock and quite sadly seems like she’d prefer to hide there. Then one cheating dick who used to be the Patriarchal Pied Piper organizing all the local dads to irresponsibly run off and do manly things all weekend while their wives were left at home buried under babies and nappies is now divorced and notorious for cruising, crowding and semi-stalking married local women and summer residents. He’s so tranced out as he does this (happy pills? Or just progressive sexual compulsion?) he doesn’t even remember when he already hit on someone and was rejected so he keeps trying to cruise a few close friends like a big grinning blob of mashed potatoes that was dipped in hair clippings. He still has a job and a house so occasionally bags a struggling single mum or attention-starved married narc here or there. But gawd these types all become walking punchlines.
Hell of a chump
Is progressive sexual compulsion a thing? Seems alot of men get worse in so many ways as they age.
I don’t believe that “sex addiction” exists in the same way substance addiction does because, at least at the start, substance abuse is something people– even those who are part of a family– do to themselves, not others. As the substance addiction progresses they may start to have diminished empathy, steal or siphon resources and act in ways that are neglectful or destructive to relationships. But it’s not necessarily the case that substance abusers lack empathy from the get-go.
Meanwhile compulsive sexuality, unless it solely involves inanimate object, requires diminished empathy right out of the gate. Basically bottles, powders and pills don’t express pain when being used and misused like humans do. Neither do poker chips or decks of cards so most forms of compulsive sexuality differ from the above.
It goes without saying that anyone in a committed relationship who engages in sexual outlets behind the backs of partner is violating the latter and can’t possibly have normal levels of empathy. If it involves actual sex with actual people, it’s sexual abuse and physical endangerment of a partner. For porn users in relationships, it’s still betrayal of a partner right out of the gate unless they’re partner is onboard. But even in the latter case or with single porn users whose behaviors aren’t a matter of betraying a primary relationship would have to numb themselves to the sad vibes of porn performers.
I guess if someone’s snowballing sexual compulsion only involved tame erotic illustrations you can make an argument that it’s similar to substance addiction since the person isn’t “consuming” actual humans nor feeding on images of pain and degradation nor directly making themselves part of the sex trafficking chain. But they’d still practicing detachment and objectification and of course there’s the problem that most erotica/porn users require more and more extreme material to get off as they form “tolerance.” The extremity of erotica and porn usually only goes in two directions: more and more sadistic or more and more pedophilic. Once anyone is consuming either in photographic material, they’re part of the horror. Even those using illustrated forms of the latter are eroding empathy in ways that will make them progressively more dangerous to others.
What I find interesting is how many people wrap their identity around sexuality, like a search for empty validation.
Yes, particularly a sleazy, aggressive or narcy sexuality. I’m not a big fan of dudes who try to emit Don Juanabe energy (or its hippie counterpart, Mr.Touchy Feely sensual yoga pants) or women who either exude campy, arch, calculating “femme fatale” energy or play simpering sex babies (or both when it suits them– I mean you, scary workplace psycho Kate from Dallas). But it’s mostly because inauthenticity on that level usually comes along with personality disorders and danger (thanks for the “anonymous” threatening phone messages, Kate).
On the other hand, it’s a tricky subject. I’m not really judgmental about merely sexualized appearance if it doesn’t come along with sleazy or fake behavior. For one I’ve known many people who made their livings partly on appearance (performers, media personalities, fashion and fitness professionals). I also know from experience that, at least as a woman, dressing asexually can be misread as “low self esteem” and can even increase bullying.
Consequently, I tend to see appearance as “armor” and sometimes at least “owning” sexuality can make a women more intimidating and actually less prone to being targeted– counterintuitive as that might sound. For instance, a friend and I were the biggest schmuck magnets for street harassment while in school back when we always wore hoodies and old trainers. But then my mother explained that street harassers aren’t actually targeting the woman herself but her perceived “owner”– hubby, bf, dad, whatever. The idea is that the target of the filthy slurs will then run home and cry to her “owner” about what those bad men did or said and then the owner will go apoplectic over his “property” being groped or sullied. That’s what’s ultimately so insulting about it to women. Women are just footballs in the eternal turf war within the minority of aggressive men.
The street harassment toned down once I took my mother’s experienced advice and dressed like my “owner” could afford to track down the culprits and either get them fired or knocked off. The perfect balance seemed to be classy but not sleazy and just enough “sexy” to convey the “owner’s” “high investment.”
How’s that for a circus act? Doesn’t sound very “authentic,” does it? In fact, the last time I dressed the way I’d really prefer was when I wore an old ballgown, a rainbow wig and converse sneakers for Halloween at age 9. But dressing for perception is “authentic” when you’re actually living in a circus– as in authentically not wanting to get told someone’s lunch is under your skirt when passing a construction site. It also works as a “don’t fuck with me” message in PTO meetings, etc. But the important thing to remember is it’s just armor to deter negative or scary attention, not actual investment in oneself as a commodity. I think it’s a risk to get that line blurred, especially when in developmental stages (tweens, teens) where it’s normal to crave attention for whatever existential reasons.
Anyway, whether someone’s dressing for self expression or as a defense, palpable sexuality doesn’t necessarily come in tow with aggression or abusive behaviors or attitudes so I reserve judgment until I sense signs of lack of integrity. And I don’t just mean just sleeping around but willingness to violate and harm others in the name of sex or for personal gain.
Off topic, but for some reason or reasons, I’ve never been subjected to street harassment. Idk, maybe it’s the boring glasses or the small breasts. My usual mode of dress is low key leaning toward suburban conservative and/or nerdy…think middleclass solid colored separates suitable for work in an accounting department.
However, I’m going to keep your mom’s advice in mind to pass along if needed.
I’ve known fashion models who could walk between the raindrops regarding street hassling so it doesn’t seem to be about attractiveness but some intangible vibe of not quite “owning” sexuality. The way you dress sounds very integrated which carries its own kind of “fuck you” attitude that in turn hints you’re protected. Plus you may have a WSOP-level poker face. 😀
Pleasure focused and sensation seeking disordered types will use anything or anyone available to avoid looking at their actually rotting cores. They are hijacking their own dopamine and oxytocin to literally feel better. Sexuality is such a low branch calling card. It’s not located in the base chakra for nothing.
I studied Afro-modern dance for several years and I remember one instructor from Cote d’Ivoire teasing students who mistook the class for booty dance training. A lot of the root movements were based on fertility rites or about blessing the land (also a fertility rite) so of course there’s a lot of sexuality involved but the teacher made a firm distinction between that and performative sleaze.
She also added that, in the end, sleaze isn’t even sexy, just kind of depressing and I agree. In fact, Bob Fosse’s choreographed depictions of the sex industry are so brilliant because he strips off the dazzle and includes the really aggressive, dark and dismal aspects of that world.
I have views on “telling” people that run counter to LACGAL. The Chump community advocates telling people, and I support that! I think the point is to 1) not be ashamed of what happened, and 2) don’t let what happened force you into silence. However, when I revealed what happened to some of the people around me, I encountered what CSD did – jaw dropping indifference. It reminds me of the quote by Woody Hayes regarding the forward pass in football: “only three things can happen when you pass, and two of them are bad.” So, too, with telling people, only three things really happen: 1) they are there to support you (yay!), 2) they really don’t care (barf), or 3) they support your ex, or think it’s partly your fault (double barf). For me, of the people I told who are not related to me, maybe two people have fallen into the first category. Personally, the pain of people’s indifference is something I simply don’t feel like subjecting myself to, so I am extremely cautious when I tell people, and I only do it when I am mentally prepared to receive their idiotic response. Frankly, the only people who “get it,” in my experience, are the members of the Chump community.
Unfortunately, when you are a fresh baby Chump, you are a mess of emotions and you desperately want society to provide you with justice. It’s not gonna happen. I’m not surprised at all that CSD went to the soccer league and fellow parents expecting retribution, only to find complete indifference. Do NOT wait on Karma.
So, what to do? You have to get yourself out of a state of despair (it will happen), and build your own social bubble that is completely disconnected from your exFW. As a male Chump I find, through my personal experience, that men in the married-with-kids-cohort do a sh$$ job of building emotionally supportive social networks that do not involve their wives. So, it takes active, consistent work on your part, which sucks because you probably just want some buddy to show up on your doorstep and hang out with you.
Ooh, you forgot option #4– when bystanders get joy out of seeing someone abused and “cucked.” I think that may be the ugliest thing to encounter.
My dear friend who held my hand through the worst of it has another chumped mom friend who was recently divorced. Then my friend ran into a notorious local twatwaffle mom we both know who was just brimming with glee talking about how my friend’s friend got screwed over and how the ex cheater was a hot ticket. My friend said she got so pissed that she did something very rash: she shrugged and told the local twatwaffle that the mutual friend had never cared because she’d been slow quitting the marriage and was in love with someone else the whole time.
My friend instantly lamented saying this. It wasn’t even a half truth. Her friend had only fallen in love once the ink was dry on the divorce papers (as in the same day– very nice story). My friend is a bit of a hothead and had just wanted to wipe the smirking grin off that twat’s face one way or another. Apparently it was a direct hit because twatwaffle clammed up from shock. My friend immediately apologized to her friend but apparently the latter only laughed since she’d already gotten her settlement, had full custody and had moved with her kids out of town and furthermore said it was the vicious schadenfreude that drove her to move and it actually amused her to be “hung for a sheep.”
I swear if I wasn’t so determined to distance myself from the whole phenomenon of cheating, I would be tempted to hang myself for a sheep if I ever encountered that kind of smirking ghoul. I had such a strong urge on D-Day to pretend I didn’t care because I was involved with someone myself just to see the dumbfounded look on FW’s face. But nope, very bad idea, especially in a fault state, especially when you have kids who might hear gossip and still share custody. I’d no more say I was a member of the Ku Klux Klan or strangle kittens than that I play for team cheater. But, barring any consequences, it might be tempting.
As another guy-chump, I would say the following: This is a sucky moment, but it won’t last. Better days ahead.
I suggest not going to soccer. Drop the kids off, go get a coffee, pick ’em up and celebrate with some ice cream. There’ll be plenty of sports in the years to come with better coaches to invest the time sitting on the sideline.
Invest in friends. They’ll be a life line. This won’t be her last sucky thing you’ll have to deal with or get advice over, find people you can lean on.
Get into therapy. You’re going through a traumatic moment. Recognize the damage and seek professional help.
In time you’ll see what a crappy person you married.
In the years of reading these stories, I see the patterns repeating CL keeps pointing at.
I also remember sitting in the mess that was my “life” trying to keep the pieces together, failing to see that my XW as the tornado that blew it apart.
You got this.
There is an amazing story unfolding.
You’ll see.
Tall One.
This is such an awful situation to be in. I’m so sorry, Soccer Dad. It does mean a lot to your kids, I’m sure, if you’re there. But ask them about it. See what matters to them most. There are tons of other ways to support and have fun with the kiddos! Maybe only attend games and not practices?
As mentioned elsewhere here, having social support is a game changer, so focus on that when you can. A good therapist can help as well. Take your boys to the park, a McDonald’s playplace, go mall ratting with them. I would bet having other fun experiences with them will help as well. And make sure to take time for yourself. Slow mornings with a warm drink and an uplifting or fun TV show is always nice. Or, if you have a hobby you particularly love, indulge that!
How horrible for you and your boys! I hope your boys are old enough to somewhat understand the situation. So sorry, that is the worst shit sandwich!
I think you are doing extremely well, since you haven’t once chased loser coach around the field with a bat in your hand making occasional swats at strategic areas. Which Chump Lady’s husband would advise you not to do, but if you must, my advice is knees.
But seriously, I think there is a lot of merit to the advice from other chumps to drop the kids off and pick them up after. And plan other fun kid-centric activities and sports you can share with them. You are a baby chump, without the protective rhino skin that develops over time. Sitting there pretending you are not looking at them, and trying to feign indifference, while rubberneckers peer at the three of you to see how gory the accident is…too hard at this stage. Give yourself a break. Understand that you are modeling self-respect to your children: we don’t hang out with people who hurt us. When they are old enough, they will understand and incorporate that same self-respect into their own lives.
When you have your protective shields operational, and one of them dumps the other for cheating, then you can return to the games. And enjoy their discomfort. Bring popcorn.
I feel bad for your kids, man. Obviously right now is right now and you have to get through that. And right now they are probably very Your FW is going to have to explain to them one of these days why you both got divorced and it’s going to be UGLY. (This comes from experience, sadly).
I like the idea of finding an additional sport for your children(and thank you for being concerned about spending time with them-I know this is hard!) Hopefully you can ween them away from soccer, or at least with a “Fuckwit in Conspiracy.”
Sadly this is just more evidence to me that people don’t care unless they have been through it-heaven knows I was indifferent until it came to MY house.
In the mean time, you need to take care of YOU. I like the idea of you taking a friend(or even better-a date if you’re up for it) to help neutralize the situation.
I volunteer as tribute!!!
Chump Nation needs to offer some sort of adopt-a-chump network, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or an AA sponsor, for newbie Chumps who are fresh into their new world. Someone who can stand in the place where all your good-for-nothing friends in your social network should be. I would gladly go to soccer games with this guy and stand behind him while he talks to his ex and the AP, with my crossed arms and my famous silent glare.
I’ll bring a couple of my hot friends to the game and really start some shit 😂
My sons are 10 years apart in age and both are sporty. I did 25 years on the sidelines of tennis courts, football pitches, rugby pitches, swimming pools, judo mats etc. Let your ex have the role of taxi driver and snack provider while supporting Mr Wonderful. Just attend for the big events. In general the kids don’t care if you are there as long as transport and snacks are coming from somewhere.
There are ethical issues with this for sure. Any normal person would see a conflict of interest. Special treatment? Those kids always on stricker even if they suck? Soccer parents are very competitive if they see preferential treatment affects their kids. What if they suck and dont get played? Sit on the bench? Will mom be happy with that? So many issues with this. They may be little but as they age it gets worse. And lets face it, is this coach staying there forever? I doubt it. Kids age they get different coaches. They get older maybe dont like soccer anymore. Eventually this all goes away.
I haven’t read all the comments, but am curious if Soccer Dad’s kids are aware of the affair and what their feelings are about the soccer coach now? Would they be open to changing soccer leagues? That would be my solution. And shame on the soccer league leadership for not calling out an ethical issue here, but having been around community soccer leagues for years with my son, it doesn’t surprise me. My ex was my son’s soccer coach for years and even though his affair was not with another parent, it took alot to go to those games and practices watching him act like Mr. Wonderful and seeing all the soccer moms fawn all over him for being such a “great coach.” I can’t imagine how it would feel to have to watch an affair partner coaching right along.
I appreciate that CL gives Soccer Dad approval for backing away from soccer attendance to help save his mental health. I support that. I’m sure his kids want him at the games but maybe back off the practices. Find a balance between being there and caring for your own mental health. Also agree with bringing an ally if you can with you to the games. But hopefully you can get your kids into another league or interested in different activities, so you don’t have to witness the EX and Coach Schmoopie. In the meantime, maybe Coach can letch on to another FW soccer mom. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how karma plays out.
Yeah we had alot of parents use soccer practice as drop off daycare. Id drop them, obviously would want to stay and see an actual game. But practice? Nah
Oh man, this is so brutal. There’s an old saying “Don’t shit where you eat.” Well, this woman made a whole buffet. I don’t have kids so it’s easy for me to say, but I would take my kid out of the soccer as I don’t think he should be exposed to this dynamic. Their behavior is completely immoral and NO KIDS SHOULD BE EXPOSED TO THIS. This is the cowardice and lying and amorality of our time that these people are not thrown out of that org because everyone knows what’s going on and they know what garbage these two are and they should NOT be around or influencing children. I’d find another sport/league for your son. Morals are a critical part of the upbringing of children, much more important than sports, and obviously something these two assholes missed. I think this might create a tussle with the Ex but from here on in EVERYTHING is going to create a tussle with the Ex – because she created a toxic environment for Chump and Child. Don’t participate in this, take him out. Tell him that while he may love it, there are more important things, his mother’s behavior in having an affair with the coach and leaving the family is not something that should be accepted, covered up or hidden from the kid – or any decent person. Sorry kid, this is the Spinach of Life.
Dear CSD,
I love CL’s idea of getting the kids involved in things other than soccer as a way to forge a FW-free family zone for you and your kids– a zone the FWs can’t take over and stick their snouts in. It’s also a chance for you to get back in the game of life and demo that being the sane parent can also be fun and enriching.
But, first off, let me say your situation makes me want to pull my hair out in sympathy. You were married to a disordered creep with a secret taste for disordered creepy men and now you’re stuck having to witness the creep mating ritual like a very unfortunate David Attenborough narrating the doughy suburban versions of “Creeper Apocalypse” or “Life in the Undergrowth.”
Because clinical research argues that both cheaters and mate poachers invariably have personality disorders and these types of domestic abusers are never particularly original, I’m sure your ex– like most FWs– comes from a long and distinguished line of creeps and you were initially meant to be the radical departure and salvation from that pattern– the stable, loyal, responsible good provider. She probably initially fantasized that you’d magically inspire her to change her secret creepy character and guide her to redemption since narcissists are basically ciphers in search of an actual soul and are prone to mirror and emulate the values and beliefs of others, kind of like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs making himself a “woman suit.”
But, as many also say about narcissists, most will ultimately find any emulated disguise too constricting over time and, rather than admit that they’re little more than con artists and impersonators, will start to blame and hate the person they’ve been mirroring for “forcing” them to continue the long con. Ultimately they’ll snap back to factory setting, which usually includes being drawn to the original devils they know– doppelgangers of whatever disastrous role models that turned them into creeps to begin with. I’ve noticed some abusive personalities even switch back and forth between getting burned by “familiar devils” and then seeking the refuge of “good eggs” until the fakery gets too straining and then they boomerang back to the toxic creeps they’re so cozy with and get burned again. Rinse, repeat.
Because these fakers usually lurk around for years in marriages until the moment they feel like they’ve successfully snuffed all the qualities in partners that they initially attempted to emulate and wear like a human suit (but then hatefully reject like sour grapes because, in the end, they can’t attain these authentic qualities), you may be feeling a bit frog boiled at the moment and unsure whether you have any strengths to play to. But just bear in mind that those strengths aren’t gone, you’re just out of practice. As your FW emulated and mirrored you over the years, you probably instinctively began to “slow down” in terms of being your true self and living up to your true capacity almost like a sherpa born to the mountain would slow their ascent so the gasping newbies could keep up. In other words, if you can get back to climbing the “mountain” of your true self and true capacity again at the pace only you can, there’s no way FWs will be able to keep up.
Though be warned they might try. One chump here started narrating radio stories and found his exFW suddenly deciding to do the exact same thing. FW in my case as well as his tacky barfly AP were weirdly, flamingly jealous of the fact I turned my kids into little classical music prodigies within a couple of years. I wasn’t even tiger mom about it. It’s just familiar turf for me and I’m comfortable in that arena so I followed my nose to find a stellar conservatory and a rare, kind, gifted tutor and the kids took to it like monkeys to a tree. Though I didn’t know this was happening during the affair, I learned after D-Day that the more proficient the kids became and the more important benchmarks they hit, the more irked and competitive the FWs became about it. The one I was married to suddenly had to teach himself piano and, probably due to feeling “out-klassed,” the AP suddenly demanded FW buy her an expensive instrument she’d only studied briefly in middle school. But as the kids and I continued to romp up that mountain and form a community in that world, the FWs were left gasping at base camp and gave up.
This is all by way of saying that, like CL is arguing, as you look to build a life for yourself and your children far away from and above the fumes of FWs, I’m sure there are other things you like to do and experience that you can share with your kids and natural interests of theirs that you can also share and help them pursue. The more authentic the thing or experience being shared, the less likely the FWs will be able to compete and invade that turf as well (as FWs are wont to do). For instance, did you ever play an instrument or did you ever want to? How about finding a music conservatory and getting the kids involved in music, studying up yourself and doing musical evenings at home (not necessarily to be pros but because old-timey family music nights are a wonderful lost tradition). Or is there a model airfield anywhere in your region that would facilitate getting your kids into building and flying model planes? Did you ever do archery or fencing or martial arts? Do the kids have any artistic inclinations? Is there a photography or film program in your area?
It could be anything fun and enriching. Things like this are also great ways to get kids to put down their gadgets and get involved in organic experiences just at a moment when children dealing with family rupture (not to mention traumatized adult chumps and victims of emotional abuse) might tend to withdraw and isolate in cyberspace. It’s the plague of several generations and the transition can be difficult (my kids howled when I limited gadgets to two hours on Sunday, every minute of which they’d have to earn) but the first step is to limit and then fill in the gap with other things. And one thing you can bet on is that FWs are self absorbed and, if two FWs hook up, they invariably have progressively dysfunctional relationships (according to social science again) and, due to this, it’s likely convenient for them to send kids to their rooms to scroll and game for hours so FWs can dysfunction together.
There’s a whole, beautiful, authentic world out there that you were formerly good at existing in and can again and can furthermore show your kids the ropes. Meanwhile the air is too thin in an authentic life for FWs.
Makes a lot of sense. I have mentioned before that I do think my ex really wanted to be who he pretended to be as our son was growing up; but he eventually back slid, and kept it quiet for years. Yes he knew it was for himself that he had me out and about working for his benefit; but I also think he did want to be that person; he just couldn’t.
This comment is just so insightful. You have described my marriage and my FW (who is a giant turd in a human suit) to a tee.
I agree with the others who suggest you should drop the kids off at soccer and then go somewhere else until it’s time to pick them up.
They will probably ask why you aren’t going to stay, at which point you can explain, in an age appropriate way, that mommy did something that hurt you very badly and you just can’t be around her.
Also, CL has a very good suggestion about involving them in something else which they might prefer to soccer, with the idea of weaning them off of soccer eventually. Ask them what they are interested in trying. Maybe martial arts or baseball? Make sure you spend lots of quality time with them. Don’t let that bitch try to replace you in their lives with the scumbag soccer coach. It’s going to be a tough slog and your situation sucks the big enchilada. We get it and we’re in your corner.
Oh no, this is a really tough issue. I’ve never been more shamed by other moms than when I said I don’t show up to games during FW’s time (2/3 of the games are during my time, so I really didn’t feel I’m missing anything). Well you didn’t have a choice; they all include FW and/or AP.
Listen, the kids are not going to die if you don’t show up to everything. What if you had two conflicting kids events? It’s physically impossible to do 100% so I think you can electively skip some too if that helps to limit contact. Worst case, your kids will learn the universe doesn’t revolve around their, essentially, hobbies. Like CL said, youth sports was not this all consuming parent guilt trip that it is now.
Second, start taking them to see school friends play other popular youth sports in your area. Hockey, baseball, lacrosse. Maybe they’ll get interested. They are too young to be locked into one sport. My son just started soccer at 11 because school friends play it, and he loves it and is thriving (formerly would not play anything but ball hockey).
Finally, OW monkey branches from my ex husband to her kids’ soccer coach and I do feel bad for the other Chump, but also I tell people this to demonstrate her icky self centered character.
Chumped Soccer Dad,
This seriously sucks. What is it with kids’ sports teams being such a fertile breeding grounds for FWs? Most soccer teams have an organizing body, like AYSO, the YMCA, Say Soccer, US Youth Soccer, etc. Report that unethical and immoral SOB coach!
I had a somewhat situation but in reverse… As one of his 14 APs FW — the coach for many years of our triplet sons’ soccer team — chose the Team Mom as his next victim (her son was the same age as our boys and on their team year after year)! So in addition to handing out orange slices and Gatorade, she was apparently giving away a lot of other stuff, too. I only figured things out after we moved 1,800 miles for FW’s new job and Team Mom kept texting him, telling him she didn’t understand how he could dump her “just like that”. For some reason, he would tell on himself by showing me her texts, shake his head and say, “She is crazy, pursuing me as if I’m single!”
Give me an F!
Give me a U!
Give me a C!
Give me a K!
Give me a W!
Give me an I!
Give me a T!
Whatdya get? F-U-C-K-W-I-T! Go Team!
I think I would finish the season and then if possible get them in another league, or another sport. So many things can happen to change everything anyway, at the least of it; their luv buzz, will likely blow up and that will change the whole dynamic.
Here’s another approach: Go to the practices, games, and tournaments, and know that every time you show up, your ex and her AP feel awkward and uncomfortable. Go cheer for your kiddos loud and proud. The ex will hate it. Guarantee she WANTS you to fade away and leave her to queen it over the parent community. Don’t let her emotionally intimidate you. These are your kids, and they need you there. And it has the added bonus of making the Ex unhappy. I’ve also found it works wonders to run the events yourself. Ballet studio holding a recital that ex and new girlfriend plan to go to? Be the dressing room supervisor and make it a thing where you are part of the production and have met everyone there before Ex even arrives. Class parent? Yes! Field trip chaperone? Count me in! I know all the parents and kids. Ex? Not so much. This is hard to do in the early days, when you are wiped out just from getting through a day. I get it. In that phase, bring a friend, and watch them squirm while you plot all the amazing ways you will be involved in your kids lives.
OP this sucks. But you are not the fool. The woman who let go of a good man to chase Coachy McFuckYourWife – she’s the fool. Every inch.
I’d absolutely volunteer to attend games with you if I could. Everything is easier with a snarky friend around to point out how stupid he looks, feeling all self-important in his stupid coachy outfit as he gets his power trip in by bossing kids around. To say nothing of what I might come up with about her 😁 A wingperson is a great idea for when you need to be there – and bonus points for being all coy and not saying you’re *not* dating whoever it is.
That’d be me, anyway. You have your own things that you can do during this. You’ll be where your kids need you to be though, and you’ll be the sane parent they need. Amd when you look back, in a few years, it won’t even matter, because you’re mighty and you’re awesome and your kids will know who is always there in their corner.
Brother, I am in exactly the same situation you are in. Wife cheated with a literal loser soccer coach who is a serial cheater. She thinks this guy walks on water, has him playing with my kids too. I have to see him at soccer practice. I stare him in the eye and show no emotion. He is scared to see me, especially after I served him a subpoena to meet my lawyers. I also have a court order that he cannot interact with the kids unless it is completely incidental. Would love to connect as we are in the same boat here. Best of luck.